A journey to discovering forgiveness. When motherhood is not always roses and sunshine...

Yesterday was a hard day.  I thought being a mom was rough and then I had my son.  Now my days are what I would best describe as intense.  I am learning to mange my days better with these two little ones which is intense but the most intense part is my love for them, my feelings of emotions that take over me that I usually would not struggle with.  The feeling of defeat is a hard one when these tough days hit us hard.  It happens before we know it, we are not feeling our 100%, tired and the day turns to frustration, you can't get ahead.  All the housework, the day to day things that need to get done on top of feeling like both your children need you and you are only one person.  The pain of seeing your one child sick and the other that is testing your patients and words of discipline and rocking you to the core. You follow through with that disciple and now you are in tears.  Sometimes the tears flow and it just hurts.  Not because you don't love your kids or you wish your life was different but because you love them too much.  I never understood how this could be until I had kids.  The feelings of love you feel for them is overwhelming.  Your emotions are a mess, all over the place.  The mother who breastfed her first for 14 months is now the mom having to give formula.  The feeling of not being able to give my child what he needs. Why is is not working?  The mother who feels like her house is always a mess. The mother who hopes that her daughter does not hate her because she had to be tough on her about her attitude that day.  The tears in her eyes, I created them.  Cuts me like a knife.  This thing called parenthood is real, so real it hurts.   Trying to maintain being a good mom, and then being a good wife. I feel most days I am not what my husbands needs me to be.  Its a juggling act.  Yesterday I cried.  I yelled, I got upset, I ruined a perfectly good batch of homemade applesauce and the list goes on.  But at the end of the day I sat with my son holding him after he fell asleep for the night.  I did not want to let go.  I wanted that moment to never end.  In that moment I asked for forgiveness.  For being not the greatest that day and as I sat there I had a moment where I felt like what I needed most was to forgive myself.  Gosh is this hard.  We are so hard on ourselves moms, really hard.  I know that I am.  As I cried talking to my husband about how I felt he was not understanding why I felt the way I did.  He didn't see anything being my fault.  At first I got mad at him.  Why does he not understand!  but then I realized that he is right.  My kids and my husband don't see me as I do.  I am so hard on myself.  So as I walked out of that room I felt thankful. Thankful for that moment to remember that in forgiving myself I now felt thankful rather than defeated.  I went to bed knowing that my kids are lucky to have a mom who puts her whole heart into loving them.  I don't always get it right and I will continue to have bad days but I will never give up.  So heres to continuing to fight the good fight!  Be kind to yourself, take time for yourself and most of all FORGIVE yourself.  Take a moment and breath.