Holding on....

So as I go through this journey I knew I was going to have to fight but now my fight is becoming harder. After getting good news with each day at the doctors. Blood work and ultrasound I get a sudden jolt to my ride, My doctor called yesterday and told me that I have ovulated naturally on my own early in my cycle and that we can not move forward with the IUI. She said that we still have a chance ( which is now decreased) of getting pregnant but that we had to move quick as I already ovulated through the night or early in the morning. As the words came out of her mouth I felt so weak. Like someone just took every breath from my body. I could not believe it but to be honest my inner voice had already told me this. I feel like God spoke to me the day before. Although we were in Hershey that day I kept telling Dustin that I feel like I am going to ovulate and that something is going to go wrong. So I guess in a way I was a bit prepared so for that I am thankful to God for that warning. I was reminded by a friend that it is good that I am hearing from him and to just keep moving forward and stay close to him and my faith which to be honest is so hard. My faith has never been so tested and I have a hard time not being angry at God. Not yelling at him, not demanding answers. But yesterday as I got the news I felt him holding me up as my legs felt like they were going to give out. I felt him holding me and telling me that he loves me, that everything is going to be ok. I am so blessed with such an amazing husband who is been so great through all of this, such wonderful friends and family that support us and I just feel like I can not let this get me down. It is not what I wanted and it hurts more than I can express, I am so scared I can not even sometimes breath but I have to realize that we deserve this and we need to keep fighting for what we want and I believe in my heart God wants us to have. So I am brushing myself off and moving on holding onto hope that it will still work for us. If not we will get another plan in place with the doc and after waiting one cycle to let my body get back to normal from the shots continue on. Thank you for your prayers... They are much needed and we feel them...

Continuing with faith to turn the pages of this chapter in our life.....

Looking for blessings

So I am on my way.. Day 3 of my shots was last night and so far I am feeling good. I have to say it is not the most fun part of my day and the fear of needles I thought by now that would be overcome is not going away but fear does not stop me anymore. As I sit and think about my journey and let myself go to the place of saying why me I have to think that I feel like it is the broken places we end up in life that can make things so much more clear. Things that we may not normally see otherwise. I am thankful that this is me some days for many reasons and then some days I hate that this is me and each day I have to remember that it could be worse. As I think of a friend who has been battling cancer and another who just lost her son. I pray each day for those that are having those why me moments that they have peace and allow the broken place they have been brought to in life to allow them to see clear the things that they need to see to help guide them where they are going...

So tomorrow is a big day.. For me and a very dear friend. For me I will be heading to Hershey to have an ultra sound done and bloodwork to see my progress on the meds. From there we will be mapping out more of a plan. Hoping for good news tomorrow! And for you my dear friend, you are one of the reasons why I am glad it is me and I am glad it is you together on this broken road because together with those we love we so got this girl! Hang on tight!

Until next time.....

My hubby is my hero!

So today was day one of my shots and after standing there ready to shoot for what felt like the longest time I realized that I could not do it! I am too afraid of needles. Just seeing needles makes me feel faint and having to get it into my stomach was not happening. So my hero husband came to the rescue and did it for me. He even held my hand. God love this man.. So one shot down! Excited to have this moving along.. Day one.. Success!

Revealing a painful layer...

So today I reveal a painful layer to those of you I call my readers.. Some of you I do not even know but I am feeling lead to open up a bit and share in something that I have for a long time kept hidden away. So hear it goes.. 4 years ago my life changed for good. This was the day my husband and I decided to start our journey of becoming parents. For most this comes very easy as I thought it would for us but here we are 4 years later wondering how we got so blindsided. I have been through all sorts of emotions through this time. Most of which were very low moments for me. I never in a million years thought that this would be so hard. For those of you who have never gone through this I pray you never do and for those of you who are I pray it ends soon with a happy ending. I wish I would have been writing about this all along but honesty it has been so raw for me that maybe it is better this way. This has shaken my faith BIG time. There was a long period of time that I completely walked away from God. I have returned but it has not been easy. It is a work in progress. I am slowing being able to see the blessings that he has brought to my life and how this journey has made me a different person. I think it is safe to say that I have experienced, like many of you have maybe, a time in my life where I kept waiting for things to go back to normal. To start feeling the same again and with some things that happen to us in life the reality is we will never be the same. And for me this is one of those times in my life. It can be filled with light or dark and after going for a long time in the dark I am ready to embrace the light. For my husband, and all those that love me. So here I am today starting a new chapter with change. Todays change is opening up. Doing something different so to hopefully produce a different result. So today starts day one of my journey. Like my husband and close friends have told me, I have to not look back and just look forward. But I will look back a bit to let you in on where we have been - after trying and nothing happening we finally decided to try Clomid, a drug to help my overies work harder to help us along. I did 3 months of this and got nothing but very sick and had very bad side effects. I was also not being monitored like I should have been so after being encouraged by a friend I changed doctors. We decided to go to Hershey Med to a Reproductive Endocrinologist for help. So glad I did. Love my doctor. We have had a bunch to test done to determine that neither one of us have anything wrong which would be preventing us from getting pregnant. Very happy to hear this but also discouraged since there is nothing to fix and for me hard to wrap my mind around. Then why is it not happening? So from here we are left with either banging our heads against the wall and being mad or just moving on. So we chose moving on. Our options have been laid out and we chose to do injections plus IUI. It is the next step in doing something different hoping for a positive result. So today is day 2 of my cycle so this is the first day I will start my injections. I am very nervous but also excited to be moving on. I have been blessed with such support with my friends and family. Dustin has been wonderful and through it I have to remember that he is dealing with this pain in his own way. Being patient and understanding of each other each day is really key to getting through this. Men are not like women and I know it is hard for him to see me in pain. So here I am today excited to embrace this journey, allowing God to walk along side us and no longer feeling ashamed of where we are. I have finally found the strong fighter that once left. She is back and ready to take on this fight!