A journey to discovering forgiveness. When motherhood is not always roses and sunshine...

Yesterday was a hard day.  I thought being a mom was rough and then I had my son.  Now my days are what I would best describe as intense.  I am learning to mange my days better with these two little ones which is intense but the most intense part is my love for them, my feelings of emotions that take over me that I usually would not struggle with.  The feeling of defeat is a hard one when these tough days hit us hard.  It happens before we know it, we are not feeling our 100%, tired and the day turns to frustration, you can't get ahead.  All the housework, the day to day things that need to get done on top of feeling like both your children need you and you are only one person.  The pain of seeing your one child sick and the other that is testing your patients and words of discipline and rocking you to the core. You follow through with that disciple and now you are in tears.  Sometimes the tears flow and it just hurts.  Not because you don't love your kids or you wish your life was different but because you love them too much.  I never understood how this could be until I had kids.  The feelings of love you feel for them is overwhelming.  Your emotions are a mess, all over the place.  The mother who breastfed her first for 14 months is now the mom having to give formula.  The feeling of not being able to give my child what he needs. Why is is not working?  The mother who feels like her house is always a mess. The mother who hopes that her daughter does not hate her because she had to be tough on her about her attitude that day.  The tears in her eyes, I created them.  Cuts me like a knife.  This thing called parenthood is real, so real it hurts.   Trying to maintain being a good mom, and then being a good wife. I feel most days I am not what my husbands needs me to be.  Its a juggling act.  Yesterday I cried.  I yelled, I got upset, I ruined a perfectly good batch of homemade applesauce and the list goes on.  But at the end of the day I sat with my son holding him after he fell asleep for the night.  I did not want to let go.  I wanted that moment to never end.  In that moment I asked for forgiveness.  For being not the greatest that day and as I sat there I had a moment where I felt like what I needed most was to forgive myself.  Gosh is this hard.  We are so hard on ourselves moms, really hard.  I know that I am.  As I cried talking to my husband about how I felt he was not understanding why I felt the way I did.  He didn't see anything being my fault.  At first I got mad at him.  Why does he not understand!  but then I realized that he is right.  My kids and my husband don't see me as I do.  I am so hard on myself.  So as I walked out of that room I felt thankful. Thankful for that moment to remember that in forgiving myself I now felt thankful rather than defeated.  I went to bed knowing that my kids are lucky to have a mom who puts her whole heart into loving them.  I don't always get it right and I will continue to have bad days but I will never give up.  So heres to continuing to fight the good fight!  Be kind to yourself, take time for yourself and most of all FORGIVE yourself.  Take a moment and breath.  

Feed my soul

Jessica Turner hit the nail on the head when she said the we need to make time for us.  Each and every one of us needs it most of all moms to young kids.  As much as you love them they are exhausting.  As a mom, wife and business owner you really need to MAKE this time because day in and day out you won't just have it.  Time is a precious thing and I am really starting to value it and look at how I use my time a bit more wisely.  I think doing things for me was easy before I had kids because there was no one else to really worry about except my hubby and that was all we did was stuff for us.  Then you have kids and suddenly you feel so guilty if you want to do something for yourself for lots of reasons, lack of time, money etc.  When I used to go shopping I never felt bad at the register, now I am thinking about things my kids need or want and how the money could pay for that instead.  As much as I take pride in the fact that my kids are first in my mind always as it should be as a mother I also would think to myself that keeping myself healthy physically is a blessing to my kids so they have me here to see them grow up but mentally I need to be strong too.  Both in my opinion are important for anything in life.  Having natural childbirth with no drugs  with my son was not only physical strength but mental strength as well.  Think of anything challenging you have ever done.  You needed to be physically and mentally prepared.  That is the part that we miss when we decide to say no to ourselves all the time.  I believe in balance and making sure that we fit ourselves into that in a healthy way.  Of course I do not mean to blow your kids off and be making things all about you but there is a way that has made it easier for me to start to make this a part of my day to day.  It is what I have learned in the book Fringe Hours by Jessica Turner.  I was honored to be apart of her launch team and reading this book was so eye opening.  It showed me how I did not have to make a huge change in my life but to use those fringe hours to do something for me.  Those hours that we often just let get wasted.  Even if it is a short amount of time use it and use it wisely!  I have started to make some small changes to my day to do this and it has done wonders for how I feel.  I look now for opportunities to take advantage of time to do things that are going to boost me inside and make me feel alive again making me a better me, a better mom and a better wife.  Here are some of my fringe hours :

1. oil change and check up for the car- Changed my plan to take the kids which would have been super stressful.  I don't ask for help often but this time I did ask for help with the kids while I took the car and waited for it to be done.  I am so glad I did because it was so great to sit in the waiting room with time to read, reflect and be still.  It only took an hour but it was the best hour ever and it refueled me for the rest of the day.

2.  Just recently started using my early morning hours when I get up to pump or nurse my son to join in on a 30 day upper body challenge.  This is when I do most of my workouts.  It feels good to get a little exercise time which is only about 15 min or so but still makes me feel like I already accomplished something that day for me.  Being a healthy example is important to me, not only for myself and how I feel but for my kids to see.

3.  Going to the gym.  My husband would often say to me that when he is home as nice as it is for me to be with him and the kids that I could be taking advantage of that time no matter how long or short to do something I want to do.  I never did because of guilt.  I always felt guilty if I left and also I do love spending time with him and my kids. They are my favorite people.  But he was right and then I realized this is a fringe hour so I should use it.  Last night my husband was home and told me to go do something since he is here.  I did not have much time before my son would need me to nurse him and put him to sleep but in that hour and a half I quick threw on my gym clothes and got in a workout.  I felt so good afterwards!  I had to push myself a bit but I am so glad I did it and  as I thought my hubby took care of the kids just fine while I was gone.  He loves being a daddy and I need to let him do it more one on one without me there.  Its true that you can smother those you love.  Learn to give some space for everyone involved.

4.  Nap time- My kids don't always sleep at the same time and sometimes I may have just a little window of time before I know on will be back up again and what to do with that time?  I usually would try to get something done around the house that would of course not get done and then I felt frustrated when they were up and I knew I would not complete that task.  I have realized that I need to know how much time I have and pick something that fits into that timeframe to avoid frustration.  Little things at a time, one room rather than the whole house.  Or just the bathroom rather than the kitchen which took  too much time to do.  In that time I have chosen to sometimes realize I may only have enough time to sit and have a cup of coffee, unwind a bit.  Even if other things need done.  Just sit and use it to do something that will refresh me a bit so when the round 2 buzzer starts to go off I am ready to go in the ring.
This time has been so valuable because it has allowed me to look at my day, things that need done and evaluate my time better to see where I can make some changes.  Sometimes we are too rushed and we don't take the time to just take it all in and our wheels keep spinning but we get nowhere.  It is a work in progress but I feel like I now have a plan and one day at a time I am making more balance in my day.

As time goes on I will share some other ways that I take care of me a bit more.  I hope find joy in your fringe hours and if you have not read this book you need to!

Happy Friday the 13th….