With the introduction of a new year and having my son not long before that I was challenged to look at my time differently now having these 2 very little ones that always need something. Being a wife and business owner and also me. Where did I go in the process of becoming a mom? As some people know the road to motherhood was not an easy one for me. After years of struggling with unexplained infertility and not getting pregnant we finally got pregnant with my daughter. I had prayed so hard to have this child and believe me when I say I know the blessing it is to have a child after all I went through to have one. With this comes extra guilt as a mother than just the average mother. The aftermath of infertility is hard. You think when you break through and you finally overcome your battle it will just be all behind you but with anything we struggle with it can leave scars. It has an after math that at first I did not even understand myself. Every time I did not have her in my arms I felt so much anxiety. Anxiety was something I struggled with big time and at first when I was having a panic attack I did not even know it. I felt so overwhelmed and those who have struggled with these you know just how awful they feel. It is so hard to get a grip and for someone who most of the time prides herself on having her emotions in check this was so foreign for me. The other thing that I struggled with was having someone to help me. I did not feel like anyone would understand and honestly I did not even know how to bring up the conversation. I think for me it was just that after finally having this precious person that I prayed so hard for I just did not want to mess anything up. I needed to do everything right, I needed her with me at all times and whenever I was away from her I would come unglued. Then when we got pregnant with my son as my pregnancy went on I needed to learn how to let go a bit. I had to be away from Haley for appts, I had to ask for help from time to time because of my ever-growing belly and the closer I got the slower I got. I remember having the hardest time when I thought about having Lucas. How could I leave her? I would cry and cry. And you know what…. it all worked out. I have had to leave Lucas before I was ready for activities with Haley and honestly having Lucas was such a blessing in helping me learn to let go. Learn to ask for help a little more, let others be involved in my kids lives as well and to learn that the guilt I felt while doing that was a lie put in my head that I needed no longer believe. I am learning the value of taking time for me now. I am learning that in letting go a bit I am allowing myself some balance to continue to grow in who I am. I am challenged to be still and reflect. With this said, it is hard to make time for yourself when you are a busy person. After the past couple months of just barely getting by each day with a newborn and not getting any sleep I was really challenged on how to make me time possible. Just for the simple task of getting a shower. It sounds like stay at home moms have all the time in the world but now that I am one I am finding that is not the case. I think though no matter what your situation is, stay at home mom, working mom etc we all have our challenges to embrace. Not one is better than the other. I have really been challenged to find a way to make my time matter a bit more. As I sat down and looked at my goals with the new year I noticed that I did like to fit myself in to them. It made me feel bad. I would tell myself I had plenty of time for that before, how can I want that now? I felt selfish. But as I let each day go by not feeding that burning to feel like I could be doing more it leaves me feeling so defeated at the end of the day. The Fringe Hours book like many books that come into my life could not have come at a better time. It is amazing how without even knowing what I need it just shows up in my life. I believe that is God, it can't just be chance, not as many times as it happens to me. I am glad that I felt the urge to sit down and reflect, to be still enough to see this opportunity right in front of me. So as I read her book and looked at my goals and each day looked at my day I realized that I needed to do more in my day to make it easier to accomplish my house,kid and business goals so that when I have my "me" time I am not stressed about it. I noticed that when I did finally break and took the time when I was so badly in need it was with tears and frustration and mostly happened after a fight because I just took on too much, did not organize enough or plan things out enough and I did it to myself. I looked at how my me time was then not relaxed and I did not really enjoy it. I felt like I took it because I could not handle being a mom, I was a failure. I felt defeated. I had to find a way to have balance in my day to day so that I was a bigger part of the pie and that my me time would not be because I broke down but because I see value in setting aside time for myself to make me be more for me, my kids and my husband. I will be a happier version on myself. Then I felt bad because when I look at my life how could I be unhappy? Seriously. I have a great life. so there I go back down the rabbit hole called guilt. I had to just remind myself that it was ok to feel the way I did but that I needed to find a way so that I did not continue to feel that way anymore. The answer always comes back to me. I did this to myself. Because I go each day saying no to me. I erase the Anne part of my day and put something else in there. This was getting me no where. With all of this said. I sat down and was honest about my day. What is a frustration. What is not working. How can I fix this. And each day I tried to do something different. Change can be scary and it can be hard but it can also be so refreshing too. I was ready for change. I have already posted a few of my changes around the house ( fun bags in fun basket, using ottoman as craft place for easy use and my get ready bag hidden behind my coats) on instagram so pop over there and check them out if you care to ( @annesch). I will be posting some more little changes that I am making along the way that have been proving to make my day a bit easier, fun filled and at the end of it I feel victorious and ready to take on my time slots with my head held high knowing that It is not about excepting a life that you are unhappy with , it is about making a few simply changes to make the life you dream of possible..
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