Finding happiness today in....

Pumpkin Pancakes! Happy friday and happy fall to all of you!

I am alive

So yes I am alive.. Not feeling too much lately as I have allowed myself to creep back into the numb stage but feeling like it is time for me to start blogging again... No further ahead yet in our journey of becoming parents but I am starting to feel the strength to start to fight again. In this journey I have realized that people will say things to you that you can not allow to seep into your brain.. they don't mean to but I think sometimes people just don't know what to say and they find themselves subconsciously telling us lies. The one that has stopped me most recently is " well maybe it is just not God's plan for you". Really? Why? Why would anyone say that? They mean it to be kind but here's the truth... its not! So please if you are in the path of someone hurting do not say this to them. It is a lie and it is one that I found myself believing. What I have come to realize is that it is God's plan... but not mine. My plan is the perfect story of a married couples love bringing a child into this world with no complications.. it just happens and they live happily ever after.. but God's plan is good even though at times I see it as bad.. it is written with a different pen and I need to be willing to walk it out.. You see God wants for you to have what your heart desires but we all have a plan or a calling and being willing to walk it out with him through the heartache is part of the plan. I can not tell you why some of our stories look like they do.. I can not tell you not to be mad because I have been but I can tell you that if you focus on the truth you will be fine. You see when you tell someone that it is not gods plan for them you are only hurting them. Making them believe they should just give up. God does not want for us to have a wimpy attitude towards life. To just throw in the towel. So why do I find so many people especially christians telling people this? I can not tell you what your plan is and I don't think anyone can tell you that something is not Gods plan for you. So if you are like me, feeling that burning not going away then stand up and realize something.. You can get where your going.. just keep moving and fighting and do it with a willing attitude to not know what the plan is but that you are willing to keep walking it out one step at a time... Together lets have faith that we will get there... If a door is open you just need to find the faith to walk through it for hope that you may just find a miracle on the other side...

Gods promise and timing...

Read this morning .. gives me hope...

The average woman would be alarmed if angeles showed up at her door and told her that even though she's long past childbearing age, she is going to have a baby. Sarah laughed. It wasn't that she didn't want to have a child. For most of her ninety or so years she'd tried to get pregnant. And this wasn't the first time God had sent the message that she was to become a mother. He'd said that before and nothing happened. So Sarah tried to "HELP" God out by encouraging her servant girl to have a child by her husband, Abraham, a child she had planned to raise. But Sarah's schemes to help God fulfill God's promise ended up in a mess.
After years had passed, God reminded Sarah and Abraham of His promise. Sarah's laughter indicated that she had given up on ever holding that baby. But the angeles reminded her, "Is anything too hard for the LORD?"
At one time or another, we all believe that God has promised us something, but we haven't seen the promise fulfilled. When that happens, it's tempting to try to finagle people and situations to make the desired results happen. And after disappointments, it's tempting to just give up on God. KEEP YOUR HOPE IN HIM. His timing is not the same as ours.
What God promises, He will do. Let's put our faith in high gear and wait for him to act when everything is just right .Remember nothing is impossible for God. Is anything too hard for the LORD? NO! I will return to see you at the right time a year from now, and Sarah will have a son. (Genesis 18:14 KJV) TO GOD BE THE GLORY! Written by Wilma- (Sister's in Christ Women's fellowship)

Update

So the last time I posted about the baby journey was about our cycle in May that was cut short and did not work. Here we are in Aug and thus far we have not started any other cycles. One for money reasons. We just don't have the extra money and honestly that cycle was so emotionally exhausting that I just needed a break. So the roller coaster ride continues and I each day continue to ask why? I grow so tired of trying to come up with reasons WHY this is happening to us and the bottom line is because life is not fair. We don't always get what we want and it just is what it is. You can sit down and make a list of the whys and the ones that make it all make sense of why the bad happens and at the end of the day it just is.. Over the past 5 years I would say to myself that if I would have done this or if I do that or don't do this it will happen, like it was my fault and needed to be good enough to earn it. That is wrong. I am good enough and yet it still does not happen. I used to be angry at God but I am less angry each day and more asking him to comfort me. We are right now, more so me, embracing moving on with life the way it is. Focusing more on God and being happy for what we have then on what we do not without loosing hope that it will happen. I do not know when we will do another cycle. I realize that there was a piece of me stolen through all of this.. I sometimes see her looking back at me.. I pray more now that I will be more of that person again or the person that this is suppose to shape me into being. And as I get frustrated that God is not allowing me to just move on I am thankful though that I am not completely able to move on because I feel this may be Gods way of giving me hope to hold on.. I am thankful that I do have my husband and what this has done for us and our marriage. I do realize that I could die tomorrow and that if tomorrow is my day to go I want to know that no matter what happened I lived my life well. I played my hand of cards given the best I could and I maybe made a few people laugh and smile along the way.. That I DO have control over.. The rest is yet to be seen....

Continuing to pray for our miracle... Thank you for praying with us...

Restoring what was lost...

I am sitting here today coffee next to me, eyes filled with tears. Tears of sadness for many losses.. lost memories that have been stolen while my storm has raged on.. this has been one of the longest storms of my life.. 5 years.. but really I feel like I have always been in a storm.. I am feeling the storm ending and I have learned from this that no matter what happens in your life, no matter the pain try to remember that you can never get today back. As I blink my eyes I realize that I have missed so much being so consumed in my own mind, the pain was just so severe and my faith was so weak.. I feel that God loves me anyway which I do not even deserve. I push him away because I feel so unworthy, so ashamed..Why do I feel you smiling God? You should be angry.. Why have you restored friendships? They should not love me.. Why have you blessed me with such an amazing husband? I can never be all he deserves me to be.. but he loves me and each day I wonder why... You see when you look in the mirror and you can not find any reasons why to love yourself that day ask God to show you what he see's.. Do less talking to people and more talking to God.. Have fun with your friends but also pray for them.. I am seeing amazing things happen in my life as well as my friends lives... So today I can not quote every scripture, I may not know the right thing to do at all times, but I can tell you the love of God is great because I feel it and all I needed to do was open my heart to accept it.. So devil you can have the memories you have stolen but no more will be given and all will be restored from the one who loves me....

Strength...

Count your blessings instead of sheep..

We all have things we struggle with. Life is hard and we so easily can get caught up in our own problems. I am most guilty of this and as I sat the other day and digested some people in my life and their situations, the conversations with them it made me see things a bit more clearly. As I sat and heard the story of a woman who at the age of 35 found out she had breast cancer. My friends best friend. This friend of mine afraid of loosing her best friend. The reality of that give me a feeling I can not explain. This women as she told me her story and journey so far had such peace and a calm about her. She was embracing it and in her I found such strength. I thank God today for my health.

As I think about a friend who just lost her son. I pray for her each day and in awe of her courage..

For the friend who's sister just lost her husband. I thank God for my husband. A man who has changed my life and continues to take my breath away in the way he loves me.

So tonight as I find myself unable to sleep, feeling overwhelmed and obsessed with my own current situation I am reminded that like they say in one of my favorite Christmas movies "White Christmas"

-If you are worried and can not sleep just count your blessings instead of sheep. Then you will fall asleep counting your blessings. -

And tonight I am doing just that

Sweet Dreams...

Friendship bread

A couple of weeks ago my friend gave me a starter to make friendship bread. I had never tried this before so I was excited to see how it turned out.

The Amish Friendship bread is neat in a way that you give away baggies of the starter to make and in 10 days you have enough to make 2 loaves and ingredients to share with 3 or 4 of your friends (depending on if you keep one for yourself). Each day you leave the baggie on the counter and most days you just mush the bag. One day out of the 10 you add some flour, milk and sugar. For the most part it is very easy to make and it uses ingredients that you most likely have in your house already. So for the first 10 days I did what it said each day excited to finally bake my bread. Finally day 10 came and I was so impressed with the bread! My brother in law was visiting and it was fathers day weekend so it went very quickly. The bread is more like a cake and it is so good. I gave out all my extra baggies except one and began another 10 day journey.

Since I have a lot of friends that will eat the bread but would rather not bake it I decided to just bake a bunch of the bread from all the starters that I had and give them away or freeze them so today was baking day! I really enjoyed as I put each batch together, thinking of who I may give them to while welcoming the house smelling so amazing. So after a couple of hours of baking I have 6 loaves of this wonderful Amish friendship bread ready to share with those that I love...

Amish Friendship Bread... The gift that keeps on giving...

Knowledge and turning the page...

Through my journey with trying to conceive my head has been filled with such knowledge. Knowledge gives you power and allows you to have a bit more control in your life. I say control but I have realized that I really do not have any control over what happens only over how I react to it and what I choose to do with it. For so long I did not do the best with my given situation but I am learning now that by allowing myself to know more is only helping me to get closer to my dream but that I can not control when it happens. I know what it feels like to feel alone in this journey as many of my friends and friendships changed when pregnancy happened for them and not me. It was no fault of anyone it just is life. In my most recent chapter of this journey I discovered, at the encouragement of a friend, a website that has been so helpful to me. This is a place for knowledge to grow and for you to start relationships with other woman who know exactly what you are going through and a place for you to help share your knowledge with other woman. The website is Baby Center and I know once you click here you will be hooked.. If you are struggling or know someone who is with trying to conceive I encourage you to go there, read and learn and put yourself out there enough to interact and reach out to other woman. It was hard for me because I did not want to be "one of those woman". Like there is something wrong with them which there is not but I just never thought I would be going through this. I used to think it was something to be ashamed of and that I could not share that part of my life. A black mark on my name or something. But know this, there is nothing wrong with you as I needed to realize. If this is your journey own it. Because it is part of who you are and in the end we can never no matter what we do change that and why would we even want to? Being normal is no fun.. Being true to yourself now that's real and really what is normal anyway?

the process of discovery...

As I sit here and reflect on my life. I digest the good and the bad I realize that I say things without even realizing what I am saying. As I find myself in a place in life that is no where that I want to be. I just want it to end I want it to go away, I find myself saying that I just want my life back. Today I realized that is not what I want at all. I do not want that life back, I know the life I want and that is why I need to continue to fight. I know the life I want so today I say, that I do not want my life back I know the life I want and I am going to get it! I sit here and realize how close I am. How many steps have been made and the many blessings I have. All the pieces of the puzzle are coming together just perfectly and this actually brings me such joy! I am so close I can taste it and right now is exactly when the devil wants to make me believe even more that I can not do this and that this may never happen. Could I have it all? Could this person looking back at me in the mirror be just who I was meant to discover? A new and improved Anne ready to take on the next chapter of her life. I say yes and I want for you to believe the same things for you! Thank you God for revealing this to me today. When my mind is so filled with what is not going right I was able to focus on what is going right. So in your time of need, in your storm, whatever it is do this.. Take time to sit, be still.. Let it all digest.. Nothing more you have to do today is that important. Go and sit alone and quiet your mind. I pray you are given the peace that I have been given today. Tomorrow is another day but for today I have peace that I am just that much closer to my dream...

Moving forward not behind and doing it with a smile...

Moving on...

Another month of disappointment. Finding the strength to move on. Thankful for my loving husband and my wonderful friends who are the reason I am starting to see the light. Words can not describe the pain I felt yesterday.

I will be meeting with the doctor about a game plan moving forward. We are taking a month off of injections and IUI to allow for my body to heal from this month.

Holding on to hope and continuing to count my blessings.

Until next time... and in the meantime... remember to smile....

Holding on....

So as I go through this journey I knew I was going to have to fight but now my fight is becoming harder. After getting good news with each day at the doctors. Blood work and ultrasound I get a sudden jolt to my ride, My doctor called yesterday and told me that I have ovulated naturally on my own early in my cycle and that we can not move forward with the IUI. She said that we still have a chance ( which is now decreased) of getting pregnant but that we had to move quick as I already ovulated through the night or early in the morning. As the words came out of her mouth I felt so weak. Like someone just took every breath from my body. I could not believe it but to be honest my inner voice had already told me this. I feel like God spoke to me the day before. Although we were in Hershey that day I kept telling Dustin that I feel like I am going to ovulate and that something is going to go wrong. So I guess in a way I was a bit prepared so for that I am thankful to God for that warning. I was reminded by a friend that it is good that I am hearing from him and to just keep moving forward and stay close to him and my faith which to be honest is so hard. My faith has never been so tested and I have a hard time not being angry at God. Not yelling at him, not demanding answers. But yesterday as I got the news I felt him holding me up as my legs felt like they were going to give out. I felt him holding me and telling me that he loves me, that everything is going to be ok. I am so blessed with such an amazing husband who is been so great through all of this, such wonderful friends and family that support us and I just feel like I can not let this get me down. It is not what I wanted and it hurts more than I can express, I am so scared I can not even sometimes breath but I have to realize that we deserve this and we need to keep fighting for what we want and I believe in my heart God wants us to have. So I am brushing myself off and moving on holding onto hope that it will still work for us. If not we will get another plan in place with the doc and after waiting one cycle to let my body get back to normal from the shots continue on. Thank you for your prayers... They are much needed and we feel them...

Continuing with faith to turn the pages of this chapter in our life.....

Looking for blessings

So I am on my way.. Day 3 of my shots was last night and so far I am feeling good. I have to say it is not the most fun part of my day and the fear of needles I thought by now that would be overcome is not going away but fear does not stop me anymore. As I sit and think about my journey and let myself go to the place of saying why me I have to think that I feel like it is the broken places we end up in life that can make things so much more clear. Things that we may not normally see otherwise. I am thankful that this is me some days for many reasons and then some days I hate that this is me and each day I have to remember that it could be worse. As I think of a friend who has been battling cancer and another who just lost her son. I pray each day for those that are having those why me moments that they have peace and allow the broken place they have been brought to in life to allow them to see clear the things that they need to see to help guide them where they are going...

So tomorrow is a big day.. For me and a very dear friend. For me I will be heading to Hershey to have an ultra sound done and bloodwork to see my progress on the meds. From there we will be mapping out more of a plan. Hoping for good news tomorrow! And for you my dear friend, you are one of the reasons why I am glad it is me and I am glad it is you together on this broken road because together with those we love we so got this girl! Hang on tight!

Until next time.....

My hubby is my hero!

So today was day one of my shots and after standing there ready to shoot for what felt like the longest time I realized that I could not do it! I am too afraid of needles. Just seeing needles makes me feel faint and having to get it into my stomach was not happening. So my hero husband came to the rescue and did it for me. He even held my hand. God love this man.. So one shot down! Excited to have this moving along.. Day one.. Success!

Revealing a painful layer...

So today I reveal a painful layer to those of you I call my readers.. Some of you I do not even know but I am feeling lead to open up a bit and share in something that I have for a long time kept hidden away. So hear it goes.. 4 years ago my life changed for good. This was the day my husband and I decided to start our journey of becoming parents. For most this comes very easy as I thought it would for us but here we are 4 years later wondering how we got so blindsided. I have been through all sorts of emotions through this time. Most of which were very low moments for me. I never in a million years thought that this would be so hard. For those of you who have never gone through this I pray you never do and for those of you who are I pray it ends soon with a happy ending. I wish I would have been writing about this all along but honesty it has been so raw for me that maybe it is better this way. This has shaken my faith BIG time. There was a long period of time that I completely walked away from God. I have returned but it has not been easy. It is a work in progress. I am slowing being able to see the blessings that he has brought to my life and how this journey has made me a different person. I think it is safe to say that I have experienced, like many of you have maybe, a time in my life where I kept waiting for things to go back to normal. To start feeling the same again and with some things that happen to us in life the reality is we will never be the same. And for me this is one of those times in my life. It can be filled with light or dark and after going for a long time in the dark I am ready to embrace the light. For my husband, and all those that love me. So here I am today starting a new chapter with change. Todays change is opening up. Doing something different so to hopefully produce a different result. So today starts day one of my journey. Like my husband and close friends have told me, I have to not look back and just look forward. But I will look back a bit to let you in on where we have been - after trying and nothing happening we finally decided to try Clomid, a drug to help my overies work harder to help us along. I did 3 months of this and got nothing but very sick and had very bad side effects. I was also not being monitored like I should have been so after being encouraged by a friend I changed doctors. We decided to go to Hershey Med to a Reproductive Endocrinologist for help. So glad I did. Love my doctor. We have had a bunch to test done to determine that neither one of us have anything wrong which would be preventing us from getting pregnant. Very happy to hear this but also discouraged since there is nothing to fix and for me hard to wrap my mind around. Then why is it not happening? So from here we are left with either banging our heads against the wall and being mad or just moving on. So we chose moving on. Our options have been laid out and we chose to do injections plus IUI. It is the next step in doing something different hoping for a positive result. So today is day 2 of my cycle so this is the first day I will start my injections. I am very nervous but also excited to be moving on. I have been blessed with such support with my friends and family. Dustin has been wonderful and through it I have to remember that he is dealing with this pain in his own way. Being patient and understanding of each other each day is really key to getting through this. Men are not like women and I know it is hard for him to see me in pain. So here I am today excited to embrace this journey, allowing God to walk along side us and no longer feeling ashamed of where we are. I have finally found the strong fighter that once left. She is back and ready to take on this fight!

Just what I needed

Sometimes getting away is just what you need. I realized this after having the most amazing 2 weeks away with amazing friends. Over the summer I planned a cruise with some very close friends of mine. It seemed like it would be forever until it got here but it was so worth the wait. This was planned first but our first adventure was to Ireland the beginning of Feb. Wow, I have to say this place still has a piece of my heart. The Irish people are so kind and welcoming, the landscapes are breathtaking and the company we were blessed with you can not put a price on. Good times, good conversations and making memories with amazing people. We were so blessed to be asked to join our friends on this trip and so glad we made the last minute decision to go 2 weeks prior to the actual trip. Needless to say those 2 weeks were crazy- planning and getting ready but I think that added an element to the trip that made it all the more special. Sometimes you need that fly by the seat of your pants feeling. Just do it! And so we did Feb 2nd we flew the skies to Dublin Ireland and so began the first stage of my healing heart.

The second phase was a cruise. Again with some very good people who we were blessed to spend the week with. This was our first cruise and so yes, there was some uneasy feelings and some throwing up but that was so worth it to make the memories that we did. To share the smiles with someone who to walks with me in my journey. Maybe the only person left who may understand what I carry along with me each day. To my friend I am sorry that you carry this and I pray that you too will very soon be sharing smiles with me when our new chapter begins. But until then I am glad that the smiles on this trip were made while we sailed away from Baltimore. First stop, Florida- Coco beach. So relaxing. Hearing the waves crashing, allowing my thoughts and for my pains to be a bit more understood. The feeling of such removal from the mess and the noise of what has been my life. Next stop the Nassau Bahamas where some fears were faced. The leap of faith was not just a slide this was also the plunge I will be taking in my real life adventures as they continue. I felt all the same. The fear, the unknown, the tingle in my body as I left go of the sides of the slide and felt my body just be free in the air, as my body crashed into the water I felt alive once again! As I know in real life there is fun and then there is pain as I also experienced while falling and leaving a chunk of my toe behind at that water park at Atlantis. As I limp around even today, days after returning home I laugh and realize that the pain, the fear, all of it was worth it there that day and it is too in my life each and every day. Freeport Bahamas was also a great place. Another beach allowing calming serenity and time with my hubby as we shopped and enjoyed it just being us. Remembering and discovering the people in both of us that has slowly been slipping away.

As we arrived in Baltimore once again.. Time to go home and go back to life I realized that I had changed. Life does that to us from time to time. I know that with each experience I will change and grow but what I got back was the feeling I had before. I am no longer dumb. I can feel again. I can breath and really feel the air go into my lungs, I want to go back to the girl who digested life slowly. Sipping on it like a fine wine or like the Jameson Whiskey that I grew to love in Ireland.

Living life with those we love, making smiles and memories for years to come. Now that is what life is all about....

Love, trust accept....

Time to turn around

And when I see you, I really see you upside down.

But my brain knows better, it picks you up and turns you around..

Great lyrics from a good song and as I think about these lyrics I wonder why in life this is so challenging sometimes. I see how what I have been through in my life makes it hard for me to do this with others. I see how others have done this with me but others also find it hard to turn me around as I do for them as well. I feel like a lot of times in life we are challenged with the fact that we have the ability to turn people around. See them as we should see them but so often walls become the barrier between us thinking about it and actually doing it. Always afraid that someone is going to make me sorry that I did this maybe afraid I will let someone down who is doing it to me. Life is so complex and there are bad people out there. so what faces run through your mind when you hear this lyric? who is out there that scares you to turn them around and who do you wish would turn you around? How do we break down the walls of fear while still maintaining who we are and embracing the past that has shaped us into being who we are today. Is life about changing us? or is it more about changing how we think or how we feel? I wish I had all the answers to this but I am also realizing that I will die not knowing all the answers, understanding everything or ever being understood by everyone who meets me and I guess I am getting to a point where I am more and more ok with that. So here is your New Years challenge- go out and turn someone around so they feel understood when the rest of the world see's them upside down....

Read. Discuss. Grow

The Bloom Book club is now Bloom Incourage. Read more about the next book in an amazing book club. It has changed my life, hopefully it can do the same for you....

Dancing in the rain...

I pray that whatever your storm is in life that through Gods grace and love that your pain soon be turned into a pearl and in the meantime smile and dance as if no one is watching....

Just you and me...

If Not For You

If not for you, I wouldn’t know
What true love really meant.
I’d never feel this inner peace;
I couldn’t be content.

If not for you, I’d never have
The pleasures of romance.
I’d miss the bliss, the craziness,
Of love’s sweet, silly dance.

I have to feel your tender touch;
I have to hear your voice;
No other one could take your place;
You’re it; I have no choice.

If not for you, I’d be adrift;
I don’t know what I’d do;
I’d be searching for my other half,
Incomplete, if not for you.

By Joanna Fuchs
I love you Dustin and if forever it is just you and me that is ok with me because with you and only you I am complete....

In recent years I have kept Christmas decorations up until after the new year but this year they are gone already and I am happy to embrace a New Year! I pray that 2011 is a good one for not only me but for all my friends, family and for anyone who feels like I do and is ready to leave 2010 behind. Although 2010 may not have provided to me exactly what I wanted I am thankful for the wonderful friendships that have bloomed. Friendships that came so unexpectedly during a world wind kind of a time in my life.

So cheers to ringing in a New Year with those we love and to 2011 being good to all of us!

Happy New Year!!!

What if this is it?

I was recently faced with the question of what if this is it? Would I be ok with that. I have been faced with the realization that the past 4 years may have changed me forever. Never to be the same. In the blink of an eye my world has been turned up side down. I look at myself and I do not see me anymore. The truth of the matter is I have to find myself, the strong warrior that my husband reminded me that I am. What if you find yourself fighting a battle you don't think you can win? For the first time I have experienced that. The girl once filled with piss and vinegar has found herself so afraid, fearful and tired.

So today I am realizing that I am ok with it if this is it. I have to be. I have an amazing life, with amazing people right by my side. I am healthy and I should be happy. My colors need to be bright and no longer faded. This does not take away the fact that I yearn for more and that I am willing to do what I need to but in the meantime, I am going to be happy, free of fear, embrace those who love me and care about me. As I get older I realize that I have spent most of my life living in the past or the future. Its time to live in the present, just for today, one step at a time holding on to the dream that may come true one day......

It's not all good....

I am approaching the year mark of when I lost my grammy. Last year's Christmas was so stressful and overwhelming dealing with my Christmas wish not coming true, my grandmother dying and my parents divorce which ended very ugly. Every Christmas seems to be a bit of a bitter sweet for me which started with my ongoing issues with my mother. Most years have been spent with out her which is very sad for me. It is hard not to have you mother even though most of my life I have not and really do not know what it feels like to have a REAL mother daughter relationship. I feel bad although the choice for us to not have a relationship is hers although I am sure she would beg to differ with that statement. I have always seen the holidays as a very painful and stressful situation because it brings to the surface the things that can be shoved under the rug the rest of the year. So with that and last year's events this year once again brings me to the same place of a bitter sweet feeling. I am thankful for the fact that things worked out for my dad but sad that he is alone when all he ever wanted was a family, for us all to be happy and to be loved. He is such a good man and all he tried to do is love my mother. All we all ever tried to do but which never seemed to be good enough. So I feel sad for him this year as I think of him all alone in the house that once was filled with my sister and I and my mom. Even as disfunctional it was at least the house was not empty. I pray for restoration with him, for us and for someone special to come into his life. Someone who can love him and make him smile in a way that as a daughter I can not. It is hard for me not to be able to fix it. Just put the special super glue on it and make the pain go away. It is hard for me to see such a good man so shattered but thankful for how strong he has become and the places it has taken us as daddy and daughter. Walking through his pain's with him, keeping him held up when he needed it the most is a place that I will treasure till the day I die. I am happy to be his daughter and to be able to give back just an ounce of what he has given to me. Part of his GREAT pain has been the loss of his mother, my grammy. Such a painful place this still is. I am starting to realize that I will never get over her or stop missing her. I think about her every day. I think about the mother she was to my dad. The mother that I always longed to have. I think about the woman she was to me. How she always made me feel so safe, comforted and her strength made me feel secure. I think about who she was to our family. The glue in so many ways. She never forgot anyone and loved her family NO MATTER WHAT. She would put a smile on her face even when she was in such pain just so you would feel better. She loved to feed her family and as I sit here just the image of her beautiful face brings tears to my eyes. I hate myself for taking her for granted and letting life stop me from spending time with her like I should have. That she may have questioned my love for her and I am thankful that as she laid dying in her bed that I was able to tell her just how very much I loved her and that I was sorry. And she so gently turned her head and looked at me and said that it was good to know. She smiled at me and took my hand and held it. A moment I will never forget a pain that will never go away and as I held her after she went to heaven, her cold body although I knew she was no longer there I still felt her with me. I never wanted to let her go, I wanted to hold her forever. As I read someone's blog today I was reminded that I am not the only one who finds pain in the holidays, a time that should be happy and jolly can be a place of such pain. Maybe this is why people are not so nice around this time of year. I am reminded that just a kind jester might be in order for those grinches we come across because you never know what someone might be going through. What things are being brought out from under the rug or who they may have lost or may be loosing that year or what things in there life may be falling apart and turning out not how they planned for their life. So go out and smile at someone today. You never know what your kindness may do for a hurting person this holiday season because life is not always good even around the holidays.....

THE HOUR OF ISOLATION

As I read THE HOUR OF ISOLATION today I was given some hope. Hope that God is still with me and hope that he still exists. I will be honest lately I have really questioned. With each passing year of a certain prayer not being answered and lately feeling him less and less present in my life. I have struggled with accepting that God's plan might not be mine and the feelings of guilt for not being ok with that. Does not being ok with the fact that I want my life to be a certain way and I will do what I have to make it be mean I have to walk away from my faith? I recently had coffee with a friend who let me in on a thought of maybe God is not playing games with us. Maybe there is not just one way to go. Maybe it is our choice and he goes with us whichever way we go? So Maybe me saying to God I am not ok with his plan it is not so much me saying I dont want to follow him but rather he is giving me more of a choice in life. Maybe I am the one making this so much more difficult than it has to be? Story of my life, making things more difficult. So as I walk this journey I am thankful, thankful for the discovery through it, of myself and others around me and of God. So whatever you are going through right now. If you feel at the end of your rope, you feel that you can not hold on I urge you to hold on. Hold on to your dreams, hold on to what is on your heart and I hope for you and me that our dreams come true...

There is a reason for every season

When we plant a garden, we begin with a clear idea of what we will plan, how many and how deep the rows, and how we will care for what we have planted. Yet we cannot know whether there will be drought or flood, heat or cold, which seeds will do well, what bugs or diseases will emerge this season, or how the harvest will be. We can work hard to anticipate these things, but some of our efforts will be fruitful and some will not. This is the nature of all life, moved by silent forces larger than we can ever comprehend.

Chapter- Beginner's Mind/ from the book Sabbath by Wayne Muller

As I think about this I realize how easy it is to read and understand this but acting it out and going through the motions of life for me are very hard. As I struggle with a particular thing in my life I am left wondering why can I not be still? Why can I not just let it go? I think if I am honest being still makes me feel helpless. Being helpless is a hard place for me. Being out of control is also a very hard place for me to go and I think for me the stillness makes me feel out of control. I am a problem solver. I have to have an answer. And to some things there is not an answer or a fix to it, it just is. Today I sit here and realize that I don't know what will make this better but that at least the fact that I am aware and can be honest about how I am feeling gives me a sense of understanding of myself and others who I walk through in their ups and downs. That people are not always looking for me to fix them or have an answer but to just be there for them. For me this may allow me to chill out a bit and take the pressure and stress off myself. I realize that the things I am doing to "fix" my current problem may not do anything at all. That what I am doing is just feeding my appetite for control and the need to fix a problem I am not meant to fix. I am to be still and KNOW that God has everything under control and can and will fix all our problems all in perfect timing and while I wait I remember who I am and never allow the problems of life and the pains and suffering that I go through to change that...

Faith is fading

“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see” (Hebrews 11:1).

Another world

Do you ever wonder what it would be like to at night when you close your eyes you could live another life? One where the dreams we entertain in our minds would be true and in our dreams there are no rules, no wrong and right, no regret and nothing but for that night but just being exactly what we want it to be. That our two worlds would never collide and meet each other. Maybe in this world there would be no fear and we could do all the things we are too afraid to do in this life or say all the things we are afraid to say? Or maybe it would be a perfect fairy tale with nothing but happy endings.. What would your dreams look like? If for that moment you did not have to wake up, not just yet....

Happiness.

Happiness is the single commodity not produced by the free-market economy. Worse than that, when we are happy, we don't feel the need to buy anything. The Sabbath, a day of delight, a day to be at peace with all we have, is a radical, dangerous prescription. Because happy people will grind the wheels of progress to a terrible halt;a bloodless revolution, without a single shot being fired...

What if plan B is better than plan A?

So for a long time I have been struggling with being at a place where I never imagined I would be. You know your whole life you imagine how things will be and you have it all planned out and then boom. Life hits and you realize things are not happening as you wanted them to and no matter how you try to control the situation it does not seem to change. Sometimes this lasts a short time or maybe it lasts a while. For me letting it go has been a big challenge and I have realized that I have been holding onto it for far too long. I have yelled at God, let him know just how mad I am and nothing. The feeling like God walked away has been so painful. Why God, Why dont you hear me? I would cry out and I was allowing myself to believe the illusion that God is only there when we can see him. You see he is always there. I have asked for answers and I so loudly today heard him speak to me. So gentle and clear. My plan is better. He allowed with this for my mind to go back to the way I had pictured my life as an adult when I was a child. How it would look and he then allowed my mind to entertain the life I live now. And you know what. The picture he has painted is so much better! I never thought my life would look like it does now. Not in a million years. That a man as wonderful as my husband would love me and want me. The girl from the other side of the tracks who was nothing like him. The train wreck as I like to describe myself. The sassy little blonde who lived to go out dancing which was the only place she ever felt free. I look back over our 15 years together and I am amazed at the wonderful life we have created and how we can so often take those things for granted. You see right now I have to trust that Gods plan is better. That he knows what is best. Even on the days when I am saying well yeah God but my plan looks pretty darn good too. I can only imagine how I drive God crazy and how I hurt him with my words and distrust and I am in aww of the fact that he still loves me anyway. That he always knows my heart. I am thankful for his answer today and for allowing some clarity while I remember that clarity is not really what I need, all I need is faith and to trust in him....

Letting go..

There is something wonderful in letting go. A.W. Tozer called it being released from "the fine threads of the self-sufficiency, self-pity, self- absorption and self -hatred. Letting go means "freedom from the everlasting burden of always having to get our own way. "having to stay in control ,to get it our own way, is indeed an everlasting burden. In recognizing the subtle stranglehold of control, in the release of my sticky fingers from the steering wheel, my heart is ready for the real adventure of life- actively trusting God...

Chapter 5 - Control

Book - Strong women soft hearts. A woman's guide to cultivating a wise heart and a passionate life...

The Y in the road

Sometimes you get to a point with a relationship where there is junk and you may not understand each other. You then find yourself at a Y in the road. Push away and travel down a new road or continue to travel the road together knowing that no matter what you want to find each other together at the end of that road. When you make the turn to go down a road separate from them don't be surprised when you look around and they are gone.

What kind of a friend am I?

So today I sit here and think about events that happened recently with a friend. Boy what a storm but one that I am thankful for. I have realized the kind of friend that I am and the kind of friend I want my friends to be. The way it should be and in all of this I realized what "TRUE" really means and that truth can safe a life. I am a friend who loves you through the good and the bad, even if that bad is really ugly. I have realized places I have been in life prepared me for this ugly. Also the grace I have received that I am thankful for is now grace that I am to show on someone that is so hurting that they hurt someone they do care about. That person was me. Someone who did nothing but love ended up taking the brunt of this friends hurt, anger and rage in life. A place that I think we all have been maybe once in our lives where we feel so broken and confused that life just overwhelms us so much we can't breath. As much as I thought this storm was a bad things I am thankful that it was me. I don't know if I am everyday here for a reason but that day I know I was and I have continued to be by loving a very unlovable person through a difficult time. For now the outcome is good and I do not know the future but for today I know I showed someone the REAL me, the fact that I am a true friend. one who will love you even if you make mistakes, even if you get upset and one who is going to be honest with you for the sake of your future whether you like what I have to say or not. I have realized that selfishly we all tend to focus a lot of the friendships that are easy and fun all the time but does that mean the the ones that are a little harder are not worth it? Or that that person does not really need us? I have realized that sometimes someone who really needs us is being ignored because it is not easy or fun enough and that in my day I want to take more time to reach out to those that I feel may really need me. I am reminded that we all have a purpose and a reason for being here and when you really walk that out life is not always going to be easy fun and happy.

So for today I have purpose and I feel good in knowing that I do not know the future but the pages that God writes are good and that I need to continue to remember that the picture God paints is always bigger than we can see...

Then slowly grows ( come to me) Bethany Joy

I'm a frantic un-satisfied woman
When the day grows long
and I can't seem to settle down
Then slowly grows our little faith
I hang my head on
Everyday my dreams will get bigger
Then I hear there's nothing
I can dream hasn't been dreamt before
So I water my little faith
And hope for the better
I know there's so much more for me
I know there's so much more
So much more than I can see

Chorus:
So won't you come to me
I'll be the first one waiting
I'll be the last to leave
Promise you'll come to me
I'll give you anything
I'll give everything you need
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com

And did I mention that
I'm in lack of a loving hand
And the nights go long
And I can't seem to start again
Then slowly grows our little light
Breaks through my shadow
Breaks through my shadow
I know there's so much more
So much more than I can see

Mary J Blige - Take me as I am

She's been down and out
She's been wrote about
She's been talked about, constantly
She's been up and down
She's been pushed around
But they held her down, NYC
She has no regrets
She accepts the past
All these things they
helped make to make she
She's been lost and found
And she's still around
There's a reason for everything

You know I've been holdin on.
Try to make me weak,
But I still stay strong.
Put my life all up in these songs
Jus so you can feel me.
so you can get the real me

[Chorus:]
So take me as I am,
or have nothing at all.
Just take me as I am,
or have nothing at all.

[Verse 2:]
Now she's older now
Yes, she's wiser now
Can't disguise her now
She don't need
No one tellin her
What to do and say
No one tellin her
Who to be
She's on solid ground
She's been lost and found
Now, she answers to G-O-D
And she's confident
This is not the end
Ask me how I know
Cause she is me.

You know I've been holdin on.
Try to make me weak,
But I still stay strong.
Put my life all up in these songs
Jus so you can feel me.
so you can get the real me

Pink - Nobody Knows

Nobody knows, nobody knows but me
That I sometimes cry, if I could pretend that I'm asleep
When my tears start to fall
I peek out from behind these walls
I think nobody knows, nobody knows, no

Nobody likes, nobody likes to lose their inner voice
The one I used to hear before my life made a choice
But I think nobody knows, no no
Nobody knows, no

Baby, oh the secret's safe with me
There's nowhere else in the world that I could ever be
And baby don't it feel like I'm all alone
Who's gonna be there after the last angel has flown?

And I've lost my way back home
I think nobody knows, no
I said nobody knows
Nobody cares

It's win or lose, not how you play the game
And the road to darkness has a way
Of always knowing my name
But I think nobody knows, no no
Nobody knows, no no no no

Baby, oh the secret's safe with me
There's nowhere else in the world that I could ever be
And baby don't it feel like I'm all alone
Who's gonna be there after the last angel has flown?

And I've lost my way back home
And oh, no no no no
Nobody knows
No no no no no no

Tomorrow I'll be there my friend
I'll wake up and start all over again
When everybody else is gone
No no no

Nobody knows
Nobody knows the rhythm of my heart
The way I do when I'm lying in the dark
And the world is asleep

I think nobody knows
Nobody knows
Nobody knows but me
Me

In the eye of the storm

There is a window in your heart through which you see God. Once upon a time that window was clear. Your view of God was crisp. You could see god as vividly as you could see a gentle valley or hillside.

Then, suddenly, the window cracked. A pebble broke the window. A pebble of pain.

And suddenly God was not so easy to see. The view that had been so crisp had changed.

You were puzzled. God wouldn't allow something like this to happen, would he?

When you can't see him , trust him... Jesus is closer than you've ever dreamed...

~Max Lucado~

Given up- Linkin Park

Wake in a sweat again
Another day's been laid to waste
In my disgrace

Stuck in my head again
Feels like I'll never leave this place
There's no escape

I'm my own worst enemy


I've given up
I'm sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say

Take this all away
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the heck is wrong
With me


I don't know what to take
Thought I was focused but I'm scared
I'm not prepared

I hyperventilate
Looking for help somehow somewhere
And no one cares

I'm my own worst enemy


I've given up
I'm sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say

Take this all away
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the heck is wrong
With me



Goddddddd!!!!

Put me out of my misery
Put me out of my misery
Put me out of my
Put me out of my fricken misery



I've given up
I'm sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say

Take this all away
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the heck is wrong
With me

I read an article today that spoke very loudly to me. It talked about how people can wear masks and pretend for the sake of looking good. I have always seen this in people and wondered why they would do this? Does this help anyone? As much as I hated seeing it done I took a long hard look at myself and realized I was doing the same thing. It allowed me to put up walls with people without even knowing it. Making everyone think that I am so pulled together when on the inside I was a mess. We do this for many reasons. For me it was that I always felt I had to be perfect in order to be loved. Growing up wanting so badly to be good enough caused me to get obsessive with being perfect on the inside and on the outside. As long as I looked good no one would know. But in life as I really take in the past couple years of my life I am realizing that we need to see people in need but are we ready for that? When people show us the real person we sometimes tend to walk away because we do not know what to do with it. We love. It is that simple. We see their heart. Now this is not always that easy because peoples hearts are not always good and true. That is why we have to believe people when they show us who they are. Know the people that hearts are true and focus on them and stop playing the game of hiding with those who can really love you no matter what. Life is so complex and we will never have it all figured out but knowing that we have good people in our lives to help us through is what we need to hold onto.

This was in the article and I thought it really spoke to how I am feeling....

So here is my reality. I am abnormal. I don't have it together. I am prone to go into hiddenness and shame. But I have Jesus. I have some really good friends who love me in spite of all of the junk that is true about me. And I have never been more alive and free as I live out my journey in grace.

To read this article click here

Until next time...

Jack Johnson

Last weekend Dustin and I went to see Jack Johnson in concert in Columbia MD. We had such a good time. The music was great and we enjoyed a relaxing ride to and from with the top down and wind in our hair. Nothing better than that...

Earn your keep

Dustin and I always joke around about how our animals do not do anything and how nice that must be. How they just make messes and lay around and they are always taken care of - so we joke around and will tell them to go do the laundry ( usually I say this when Dustin is wondering where his underwear is- I will tell him I told Maya to do it) . We will say how nice it would be if they could make money or do stuff around the house to earn their keep. Well with it being hot weather now and having 2 huskies who shed ALOT we have so much fur to keep up with. When I brush them it is amazing how much fur I have to get rid of. The other day while cleaning up all this fur I thought to myself how I wish I could find a use for this stuff since I have so much of it. It seems like if I could find something to do with it it would make it seem like not such a pain to have to clean up and deal with. I always joke too that if only we could trade in dog poop for cash how nice that would be since I always seem to have enough of the poop and some months not so much in the cash department. Is this crazy thinking? Anyway- So to go back to the fur. The other day my sister was over visiting and she noticed how a bird kept sweeping down to where fur had collected right outside our screened in porch and filling his beak with it. He was gathering supplies for his nest! I have to say, this bird is pretty darn smart. Husky fur is so soft and long and fluffy and it would work perfect to make a comfortable bed for their babies to lay in. I thought it was so amazing how this bird knew to do this and found this fur just laying there. So resourceful. I was also happy because it was less fur I had to pick out of my stones. So the husky fur problem is welcomed since it has a purpose- a purpose of allowing the birds the opportunity to be blessed with a fluffy bed of husky hair. So Breck and Aspen- you have earned your keep and I will make sure to leave some fur in my yard for the birds to enjoy. Another one of the "little things" we could miss but thanks to my nature loving sister who has the eyes to see such beauty I saw this beautiful thing that day. Such a blessing in so many ways...

My Husband

I do not know that I can put into words how I feel about my husband. He is the most amazing man. The way he loves me is incredible. He knows me better than I know myself which at times scares the heck out of me. He is my soul mate. He is not a man of many words and with words of affirmation being my love language I at times struggle with this. Although he does not say much in words what he does in his actions makes up for it. After 14 years together I often wonder how does he really feel about me? He never really says and being mushy is not his thing. So after me constantly asking him for that love story on tv kind of moment he played me his ring tone that he added for when I call him. These are the words and can I tell you- it takes my breath away. To think this is the way he feels about me is overwhelming. I do not deserve it and from him this is such an honor. I am honored each day to say I am his wife and to be blessed with sharing my life with him. Here are the lyrics that I thank God for allowing me to hear and for allowing me to be loved the way he would love even though I do not deserve it. God continue to allow me to be the wife this man deserves and one that he can be proud of. If I am not successful in anything else in life besides serving you and being a good wife that is ok with me...
Angel - By Jack Johnson...

I've got an angel
She doesn't wear any wings
She wears a heart that can melt my own
She wears a smile that can make me wanna sing
She gives me presents
With her presence alone
She gives me everything I could wish for
She gives me kisses on the lips just for coming home

She could make angels
I've seen it with my own eyes
You gotta be careful when you've got good love
Cause the angels will just keep on multiplying

But you're so busy changing the world
Just one smile can change all of mine
We share the same soul
Oh oh oh oh oh ohhh
We Share the same soul
Oh oh oh oh oh ohhh
We Share the same soul
Oh oh oh oh oh ohhh
Oh oh oh oh oh ohhh
Umm umm umm uhhhhhhmm

What path are we really on...

Second chance

Love this pastor. His name is Pete Wilson. The Church is Crosspoint Church which is in Nashville so I will be joining them via internet for there second chance series. Below is the trailer for the Second Chance series.

Pete also is the author of a new book that I plan to read soon called Plan B.

A kind heart

The other day while entering Oregon Dairy ( a local grocery store) I had the option of picking a big cart or one of those little carts (which I love!). So I run through in my head what I needed and with it not being a big order I picked the little cart. I don't know what it is about these little carts that I like so much. It just makes my shopping experience better for some reason until I get to the check out counter and realize that I stuffed a big order into that little cart and now I am going to have to pray it all fits in once the items are bagged. I wonder if anyone else does this? Is this just me? The embarrassment does not seem to be enough to stop me from running into this problem quite often. So this particular day I am loading my items onto the belt and trying not to make eye contact with the man bagging as I run in my mind how I am going to bring it up that I realize that this bagging and loading of my cart will be a pain in the butt. So I keep loading the belt with my items, looked over at the older gentleman bagging my groceries and noticed that he had already grabbed a bigger cart for me and was placing my bagged items in it. My relief lasted for a moment when then my mind is fixed on what I am to do with the little cart and what do I say? Is he thinking I am stupid for having such a little cart and why do I care what this man I have never met thinks? Needless to say I am driving myself crazy in my mind but the smile on my face would hopefully mask that to those around me. So the dreaded moment comes as I complete my signature on the receipt and start to move forward towards the bagger. I look at him and he says to me, well I will take this from you, as he puts his hand on my little cart, and you are all set. With a big warm smile of no judgement he says and have a great day ma'am. Ahhhh What a nice man. I so appreciated this man this day. A day when the world had not been so good to me and I was feeling like crawling in a hole. Feeling like I could do nothing right. And then God placed this man there that day to make me feel better. As I walked out of that store that day I felt warm, I felt accepted and I felt God's presence so strong within me. I have to say that I like shopping at the Oregon Dairy because I always get a good experience with the people working there. They are always kinder and they really enjoy helping me with my groceries and I truly think they want to make my shopping experience better. Thank you to this man who did not have to get me a bigger cart and did not have to show me his big heart but chose to that day. Rather than have the attitude of thinking, oh here we go, another idiot with too many items in there small cart- embraced me as a person and showed me kindness for doing a silly thing that I am sure I will do again. God make me more like this man so that I can shine light on others who cross my path as this kind man did for me. That man is not just a bagger- that day he was an angel...

Enjoy the silence...

As I sit here listening to the rain fall and sip on my coffee I am filled with such peace. I think of jesus and the times when he would just go sit in a place of silence. Yesterday was a great day and a reminder to get away from time to time and just go to a place where you can just turn life off, relax and just think. Just be silent. Dustin and I decided to spend the day at the beach yesterday. We rose early in the morning and hit the road with the top down headed to Ocean City Maryland. We had such a fun and relaxing day filled with a Starbucks coffee stop, delicious breakfast outside at the Bayside Skillet, serenity of just me, Dustin and the sound of the crashing waves on the beach, boardwalk fries, Candy Kitchen fudge and dinner by the bay. I have a feeling that yesterday will stay with us for years to come as a day for such peace in each other and with where God has us today and has had us in our journey. Things you could very easily take for granted were embraced to a new level and our souls were filled up. So today every time I look in the mirror and see my red sunburned nose I will laugh as I remember our fun in the sun day at the beach. I look forward to the next fun trip and thank God for all the beautiful things in life that I often don't take the time to really see...

Waiting

I believe in Holy Ghost timing. In God’s own time, all our prayers will be answered—one way or another—but the trouble is, we are afraid to submit our prayers to Holy Ghost scrutiny. Some of our prayers need to be purged because often our faith is misspent on requests that are not mature. We do not know how to pray, “Thy will be done.” We don’t want his will as much as those things permitted by his will.

Abraham exercised his faith to keep reminding himself he was a stranger on this earth. His blessing pact produced only a tent to dwell in, because he put all his faith in that city whose builder and maker is God.

Were some of these faith warriors not living in faith? Did God refuse to answer some of their prayers? After all, not all of them were delivered and not all lived to see answers to their payers. Not all were spared pain, suffering and even death. Some were tortured; others were torn asunder, wandering about destitute, afflicted, and tormented (Hebrews 11:36-38).

Some who had a reputation for having great faith “received not the promise” (Hebrews 11:39). Those who did “obtain promises” used their faith to work righteousness, to gain strength in times of weakness, and to put the enemy to flight.

Don’t worry about whether God is saying “Yes” or “No” to your request. Don’t be downcast when the answer is not in sight and, please, quit concentrating on faith formulas and methods. Just commit every prayer to Jesus and go about your business with confidence. He will not be one moment early or late in answering, and if the answer you seek is not forthcoming, say to your heart, “He is all I need. If I need more, he will not withhold it. He will answer in his time and in his way. And if he does not fulfill my request, he must have a perfect reason for not doing so. No matter what happens, I will always have faith in his faithfulness.”

God forgive us if we are more concerned about getting prayers answered than in learning total submission to Christ himself. We do not learn obedience by the things we obtain but by the things we suffer. Are you willing to learn by suffering a little longer with what appears to be an unanswered prayer? Will you rest in his love while patiently waiting for the promise? -David Wilkerson

Strong woman, soft hearts

I am excited to start reading the next book for our book club! Get to know Paula Rinehart, the author of this book and some background into what made her write this book. Enjoy!

Keep Your List Short,

These words really spoke volumes to me. Are we really acting out what we say? If we do not believe in something then why so often do we continue to be a part of things that we know are not right? Walking in TRUE faith is hard. Here are some words that may help you as they have helped me.

Keep Your List Short,

You know what I do , but do you know who I am?

Real Estate is what I do- it is not who I am. Who I am is a person who loves God- Loves his people and wants to do what he needs me to do each day to bless those around me. Real Estate is the career I have chosen- One that I am passionate about because it is a tool that allows me to bless people who need someone to care about them during a big event in their life. Whether you are moving today, tomorrow or you just need someone to talk to- that is what matters to me. Yes- I am a realtor- a good one- but beyond all of that I am just a person like you dealing with the same struggles each day. I am not a superhero, I am just me. I am an asset to you not just because I have all the right tools and knowledge (because I do) but because I am me, a person who does what I say I will do. A person who does right by people and a person who knows WHY I do what I do each day. I have a purpose and a vision. I sell houses yes- but more important I serve people. So thats my story- I look forward to meeting you, hearing your story and helping you in your Real Estate journey or just getting to know you and sharing in the joys or the sorrows of life.