It's not all good....

I am approaching the year mark of when I lost my grammy. Last year's Christmas was so stressful and overwhelming dealing with my Christmas wish not coming true, my grandmother dying and my parents divorce which ended very ugly. Every Christmas seems to be a bit of a bitter sweet for me which started with my ongoing issues with my mother. Most years have been spent with out her which is very sad for me. It is hard not to have you mother even though most of my life I have not and really do not know what it feels like to have a REAL mother daughter relationship. I feel bad although the choice for us to not have a relationship is hers although I am sure she would beg to differ with that statement. I have always seen the holidays as a very painful and stressful situation because it brings to the surface the things that can be shoved under the rug the rest of the year. So with that and last year's events this year once again brings me to the same place of a bitter sweet feeling. I am thankful for the fact that things worked out for my dad but sad that he is alone when all he ever wanted was a family, for us all to be happy and to be loved. He is such a good man and all he tried to do is love my mother. All we all ever tried to do but which never seemed to be good enough. So I feel sad for him this year as I think of him all alone in the house that once was filled with my sister and I and my mom. Even as disfunctional it was at least the house was not empty. I pray for restoration with him, for us and for someone special to come into his life. Someone who can love him and make him smile in a way that as a daughter I can not. It is hard for me not to be able to fix it. Just put the special super glue on it and make the pain go away. It is hard for me to see such a good man so shattered but thankful for how strong he has become and the places it has taken us as daddy and daughter. Walking through his pain's with him, keeping him held up when he needed it the most is a place that I will treasure till the day I die. I am happy to be his daughter and to be able to give back just an ounce of what he has given to me. Part of his GREAT pain has been the loss of his mother, my grammy. Such a painful place this still is. I am starting to realize that I will never get over her or stop missing her. I think about her every day. I think about the mother she was to my dad. The mother that I always longed to have. I think about the woman she was to me. How she always made me feel so safe, comforted and her strength made me feel secure. I think about who she was to our family. The glue in so many ways. She never forgot anyone and loved her family NO MATTER WHAT. She would put a smile on her face even when she was in such pain just so you would feel better. She loved to feed her family and as I sit here just the image of her beautiful face brings tears to my eyes. I hate myself for taking her for granted and letting life stop me from spending time with her like I should have. That she may have questioned my love for her and I am thankful that as she laid dying in her bed that I was able to tell her just how very much I loved her and that I was sorry. And she so gently turned her head and looked at me and said that it was good to know. She smiled at me and took my hand and held it. A moment I will never forget a pain that will never go away and as I held her after she went to heaven, her cold body although I knew she was no longer there I still felt her with me. I never wanted to let her go, I wanted to hold her forever. As I read someone's blog today I was reminded that I am not the only one who finds pain in the holidays, a time that should be happy and jolly can be a place of such pain. Maybe this is why people are not so nice around this time of year. I am reminded that just a kind jester might be in order for those grinches we come across because you never know what someone might be going through. What things are being brought out from under the rug or who they may have lost or may be loosing that year or what things in there life may be falling apart and turning out not how they planned for their life. So go out and smile at someone today. You never know what your kindness may do for a hurting person this holiday season because life is not always good even around the holidays.....