I am alive

So yes I am alive.. Not feeling too much lately as I have allowed myself to creep back into the numb stage but feeling like it is time for me to start blogging again... No further ahead yet in our journey of becoming parents but I am starting to feel the strength to start to fight again. In this journey I have realized that people will say things to you that you can not allow to seep into your brain.. they don't mean to but I think sometimes people just don't know what to say and they find themselves subconsciously telling us lies. The one that has stopped me most recently is " well maybe it is just not God's plan for you". Really? Why? Why would anyone say that? They mean it to be kind but here's the truth... its not! So please if you are in the path of someone hurting do not say this to them. It is a lie and it is one that I found myself believing. What I have come to realize is that it is God's plan... but not mine. My plan is the perfect story of a married couples love bringing a child into this world with no complications.. it just happens and they live happily ever after.. but God's plan is good even though at times I see it as bad.. it is written with a different pen and I need to be willing to walk it out.. You see God wants for you to have what your heart desires but we all have a plan or a calling and being willing to walk it out with him through the heartache is part of the plan. I can not tell you why some of our stories look like they do.. I can not tell you not to be mad because I have been but I can tell you that if you focus on the truth you will be fine. You see when you tell someone that it is not gods plan for them you are only hurting them. Making them believe they should just give up. God does not want for us to have a wimpy attitude towards life. To just throw in the towel. So why do I find so many people especially christians telling people this? I can not tell you what your plan is and I don't think anyone can tell you that something is not Gods plan for you. So if you are like me, feeling that burning not going away then stand up and realize something.. You can get where your going.. just keep moving and fighting and do it with a willing attitude to not know what the plan is but that you are willing to keep walking it out one step at a time... Together lets have faith that we will get there... If a door is open you just need to find the faith to walk through it for hope that you may just find a miracle on the other side...

Gods promise and timing...

Read this morning .. gives me hope...

The average woman would be alarmed if angeles showed up at her door and told her that even though she's long past childbearing age, she is going to have a baby. Sarah laughed. It wasn't that she didn't want to have a child. For most of her ninety or so years she'd tried to get pregnant. And this wasn't the first time God had sent the message that she was to become a mother. He'd said that before and nothing happened. So Sarah tried to "HELP" God out by encouraging her servant girl to have a child by her husband, Abraham, a child she had planned to raise. But Sarah's schemes to help God fulfill God's promise ended up in a mess.
After years had passed, God reminded Sarah and Abraham of His promise. Sarah's laughter indicated that she had given up on ever holding that baby. But the angeles reminded her, "Is anything too hard for the LORD?"
At one time or another, we all believe that God has promised us something, but we haven't seen the promise fulfilled. When that happens, it's tempting to try to finagle people and situations to make the desired results happen. And after disappointments, it's tempting to just give up on God. KEEP YOUR HOPE IN HIM. His timing is not the same as ours.
What God promises, He will do. Let's put our faith in high gear and wait for him to act when everything is just right .Remember nothing is impossible for God. Is anything too hard for the LORD? NO! I will return to see you at the right time a year from now, and Sarah will have a son. (Genesis 18:14 KJV) TO GOD BE THE GLORY! Written by Wilma- (Sister's in Christ Women's fellowship)

Update

So the last time I posted about the baby journey was about our cycle in May that was cut short and did not work. Here we are in Aug and thus far we have not started any other cycles. One for money reasons. We just don't have the extra money and honestly that cycle was so emotionally exhausting that I just needed a break. So the roller coaster ride continues and I each day continue to ask why? I grow so tired of trying to come up with reasons WHY this is happening to us and the bottom line is because life is not fair. We don't always get what we want and it just is what it is. You can sit down and make a list of the whys and the ones that make it all make sense of why the bad happens and at the end of the day it just is.. Over the past 5 years I would say to myself that if I would have done this or if I do that or don't do this it will happen, like it was my fault and needed to be good enough to earn it. That is wrong. I am good enough and yet it still does not happen. I used to be angry at God but I am less angry each day and more asking him to comfort me. We are right now, more so me, embracing moving on with life the way it is. Focusing more on God and being happy for what we have then on what we do not without loosing hope that it will happen. I do not know when we will do another cycle. I realize that there was a piece of me stolen through all of this.. I sometimes see her looking back at me.. I pray more now that I will be more of that person again or the person that this is suppose to shape me into being. And as I get frustrated that God is not allowing me to just move on I am thankful though that I am not completely able to move on because I feel this may be Gods way of giving me hope to hold on.. I am thankful that I do have my husband and what this has done for us and our marriage. I do realize that I could die tomorrow and that if tomorrow is my day to go I want to know that no matter what happened I lived my life well. I played my hand of cards given the best I could and I maybe made a few people laugh and smile along the way.. That I DO have control over.. The rest is yet to be seen....

Continuing to pray for our miracle... Thank you for praying with us...

Restoring what was lost...

I am sitting here today coffee next to me, eyes filled with tears. Tears of sadness for many losses.. lost memories that have been stolen while my storm has raged on.. this has been one of the longest storms of my life.. 5 years.. but really I feel like I have always been in a storm.. I am feeling the storm ending and I have learned from this that no matter what happens in your life, no matter the pain try to remember that you can never get today back. As I blink my eyes I realize that I have missed so much being so consumed in my own mind, the pain was just so severe and my faith was so weak.. I feel that God loves me anyway which I do not even deserve. I push him away because I feel so unworthy, so ashamed..Why do I feel you smiling God? You should be angry.. Why have you restored friendships? They should not love me.. Why have you blessed me with such an amazing husband? I can never be all he deserves me to be.. but he loves me and each day I wonder why... You see when you look in the mirror and you can not find any reasons why to love yourself that day ask God to show you what he see's.. Do less talking to people and more talking to God.. Have fun with your friends but also pray for them.. I am seeing amazing things happen in my life as well as my friends lives... So today I can not quote every scripture, I may not know the right thing to do at all times, but I can tell you the love of God is great because I feel it and all I needed to do was open my heart to accept it.. So devil you can have the memories you have stolen but no more will be given and all will be restored from the one who loves me....

Strength...

Count your blessings instead of sheep..

We all have things we struggle with. Life is hard and we so easily can get caught up in our own problems. I am most guilty of this and as I sat the other day and digested some people in my life and their situations, the conversations with them it made me see things a bit more clearly. As I sat and heard the story of a woman who at the age of 35 found out she had breast cancer. My friends best friend. This friend of mine afraid of loosing her best friend. The reality of that give me a feeling I can not explain. This women as she told me her story and journey so far had such peace and a calm about her. She was embracing it and in her I found such strength. I thank God today for my health.

As I think about a friend who just lost her son. I pray for her each day and in awe of her courage..

For the friend who's sister just lost her husband. I thank God for my husband. A man who has changed my life and continues to take my breath away in the way he loves me.

So tonight as I find myself unable to sleep, feeling overwhelmed and obsessed with my own current situation I am reminded that like they say in one of my favorite Christmas movies "White Christmas"

-If you are worried and can not sleep just count your blessings instead of sheep. Then you will fall asleep counting your blessings. -

And tonight I am doing just that

Sweet Dreams...

Friendship bread

A couple of weeks ago my friend gave me a starter to make friendship bread. I had never tried this before so I was excited to see how it turned out.

The Amish Friendship bread is neat in a way that you give away baggies of the starter to make and in 10 days you have enough to make 2 loaves and ingredients to share with 3 or 4 of your friends (depending on if you keep one for yourself). Each day you leave the baggie on the counter and most days you just mush the bag. One day out of the 10 you add some flour, milk and sugar. For the most part it is very easy to make and it uses ingredients that you most likely have in your house already. So for the first 10 days I did what it said each day excited to finally bake my bread. Finally day 10 came and I was so impressed with the bread! My brother in law was visiting and it was fathers day weekend so it went very quickly. The bread is more like a cake and it is so good. I gave out all my extra baggies except one and began another 10 day journey.

Since I have a lot of friends that will eat the bread but would rather not bake it I decided to just bake a bunch of the bread from all the starters that I had and give them away or freeze them so today was baking day! I really enjoyed as I put each batch together, thinking of who I may give them to while welcoming the house smelling so amazing. So after a couple of hours of baking I have 6 loaves of this wonderful Amish friendship bread ready to share with those that I love...

Amish Friendship Bread... The gift that keeps on giving...

Knowledge and turning the page...

Through my journey with trying to conceive my head has been filled with such knowledge. Knowledge gives you power and allows you to have a bit more control in your life. I say control but I have realized that I really do not have any control over what happens only over how I react to it and what I choose to do with it. For so long I did not do the best with my given situation but I am learning now that by allowing myself to know more is only helping me to get closer to my dream but that I can not control when it happens. I know what it feels like to feel alone in this journey as many of my friends and friendships changed when pregnancy happened for them and not me. It was no fault of anyone it just is life. In my most recent chapter of this journey I discovered, at the encouragement of a friend, a website that has been so helpful to me. This is a place for knowledge to grow and for you to start relationships with other woman who know exactly what you are going through and a place for you to help share your knowledge with other woman. The website is Baby Center and I know once you click here you will be hooked.. If you are struggling or know someone who is with trying to conceive I encourage you to go there, read and learn and put yourself out there enough to interact and reach out to other woman. It was hard for me because I did not want to be "one of those woman". Like there is something wrong with them which there is not but I just never thought I would be going through this. I used to think it was something to be ashamed of and that I could not share that part of my life. A black mark on my name or something. But know this, there is nothing wrong with you as I needed to realize. If this is your journey own it. Because it is part of who you are and in the end we can never no matter what we do change that and why would we even want to? Being normal is no fun.. Being true to yourself now that's real and really what is normal anyway?

the process of discovery...

As I sit here and reflect on my life. I digest the good and the bad I realize that I say things without even realizing what I am saying. As I find myself in a place in life that is no where that I want to be. I just want it to end I want it to go away, I find myself saying that I just want my life back. Today I realized that is not what I want at all. I do not want that life back, I know the life I want and that is why I need to continue to fight. I know the life I want so today I say, that I do not want my life back I know the life I want and I am going to get it! I sit here and realize how close I am. How many steps have been made and the many blessings I have. All the pieces of the puzzle are coming together just perfectly and this actually brings me such joy! I am so close I can taste it and right now is exactly when the devil wants to make me believe even more that I can not do this and that this may never happen. Could I have it all? Could this person looking back at me in the mirror be just who I was meant to discover? A new and improved Anne ready to take on the next chapter of her life. I say yes and I want for you to believe the same things for you! Thank you God for revealing this to me today. When my mind is so filled with what is not going right I was able to focus on what is going right. So in your time of need, in your storm, whatever it is do this.. Take time to sit, be still.. Let it all digest.. Nothing more you have to do today is that important. Go and sit alone and quiet your mind. I pray you are given the peace that I have been given today. Tomorrow is another day but for today I have peace that I am just that much closer to my dream...

Moving forward not behind and doing it with a smile...

Moving on...

Another month of disappointment. Finding the strength to move on. Thankful for my loving husband and my wonderful friends who are the reason I am starting to see the light. Words can not describe the pain I felt yesterday.

I will be meeting with the doctor about a game plan moving forward. We are taking a month off of injections and IUI to allow for my body to heal from this month.

Holding on to hope and continuing to count my blessings.

Until next time... and in the meantime... remember to smile....

Holding on....

So as I go through this journey I knew I was going to have to fight but now my fight is becoming harder. After getting good news with each day at the doctors. Blood work and ultrasound I get a sudden jolt to my ride, My doctor called yesterday and told me that I have ovulated naturally on my own early in my cycle and that we can not move forward with the IUI. She said that we still have a chance ( which is now decreased) of getting pregnant but that we had to move quick as I already ovulated through the night or early in the morning. As the words came out of her mouth I felt so weak. Like someone just took every breath from my body. I could not believe it but to be honest my inner voice had already told me this. I feel like God spoke to me the day before. Although we were in Hershey that day I kept telling Dustin that I feel like I am going to ovulate and that something is going to go wrong. So I guess in a way I was a bit prepared so for that I am thankful to God for that warning. I was reminded by a friend that it is good that I am hearing from him and to just keep moving forward and stay close to him and my faith which to be honest is so hard. My faith has never been so tested and I have a hard time not being angry at God. Not yelling at him, not demanding answers. But yesterday as I got the news I felt him holding me up as my legs felt like they were going to give out. I felt him holding me and telling me that he loves me, that everything is going to be ok. I am so blessed with such an amazing husband who is been so great through all of this, such wonderful friends and family that support us and I just feel like I can not let this get me down. It is not what I wanted and it hurts more than I can express, I am so scared I can not even sometimes breath but I have to realize that we deserve this and we need to keep fighting for what we want and I believe in my heart God wants us to have. So I am brushing myself off and moving on holding onto hope that it will still work for us. If not we will get another plan in place with the doc and after waiting one cycle to let my body get back to normal from the shots continue on. Thank you for your prayers... They are much needed and we feel them...

Continuing with faith to turn the pages of this chapter in our life.....

Looking for blessings

So I am on my way.. Day 3 of my shots was last night and so far I am feeling good. I have to say it is not the most fun part of my day and the fear of needles I thought by now that would be overcome is not going away but fear does not stop me anymore. As I sit and think about my journey and let myself go to the place of saying why me I have to think that I feel like it is the broken places we end up in life that can make things so much more clear. Things that we may not normally see otherwise. I am thankful that this is me some days for many reasons and then some days I hate that this is me and each day I have to remember that it could be worse. As I think of a friend who has been battling cancer and another who just lost her son. I pray each day for those that are having those why me moments that they have peace and allow the broken place they have been brought to in life to allow them to see clear the things that they need to see to help guide them where they are going...

So tomorrow is a big day.. For me and a very dear friend. For me I will be heading to Hershey to have an ultra sound done and bloodwork to see my progress on the meds. From there we will be mapping out more of a plan. Hoping for good news tomorrow! And for you my dear friend, you are one of the reasons why I am glad it is me and I am glad it is you together on this broken road because together with those we love we so got this girl! Hang on tight!

Until next time.....

My hubby is my hero!

So today was day one of my shots and after standing there ready to shoot for what felt like the longest time I realized that I could not do it! I am too afraid of needles. Just seeing needles makes me feel faint and having to get it into my stomach was not happening. So my hero husband came to the rescue and did it for me. He even held my hand. God love this man.. So one shot down! Excited to have this moving along.. Day one.. Success!

Revealing a painful layer...

So today I reveal a painful layer to those of you I call my readers.. Some of you I do not even know but I am feeling lead to open up a bit and share in something that I have for a long time kept hidden away. So hear it goes.. 4 years ago my life changed for good. This was the day my husband and I decided to start our journey of becoming parents. For most this comes very easy as I thought it would for us but here we are 4 years later wondering how we got so blindsided. I have been through all sorts of emotions through this time. Most of which were very low moments for me. I never in a million years thought that this would be so hard. For those of you who have never gone through this I pray you never do and for those of you who are I pray it ends soon with a happy ending. I wish I would have been writing about this all along but honesty it has been so raw for me that maybe it is better this way. This has shaken my faith BIG time. There was a long period of time that I completely walked away from God. I have returned but it has not been easy. It is a work in progress. I am slowing being able to see the blessings that he has brought to my life and how this journey has made me a different person. I think it is safe to say that I have experienced, like many of you have maybe, a time in my life where I kept waiting for things to go back to normal. To start feeling the same again and with some things that happen to us in life the reality is we will never be the same. And for me this is one of those times in my life. It can be filled with light or dark and after going for a long time in the dark I am ready to embrace the light. For my husband, and all those that love me. So here I am today starting a new chapter with change. Todays change is opening up. Doing something different so to hopefully produce a different result. So today starts day one of my journey. Like my husband and close friends have told me, I have to not look back and just look forward. But I will look back a bit to let you in on where we have been - after trying and nothing happening we finally decided to try Clomid, a drug to help my overies work harder to help us along. I did 3 months of this and got nothing but very sick and had very bad side effects. I was also not being monitored like I should have been so after being encouraged by a friend I changed doctors. We decided to go to Hershey Med to a Reproductive Endocrinologist for help. So glad I did. Love my doctor. We have had a bunch to test done to determine that neither one of us have anything wrong which would be preventing us from getting pregnant. Very happy to hear this but also discouraged since there is nothing to fix and for me hard to wrap my mind around. Then why is it not happening? So from here we are left with either banging our heads against the wall and being mad or just moving on. So we chose moving on. Our options have been laid out and we chose to do injections plus IUI. It is the next step in doing something different hoping for a positive result. So today is day 2 of my cycle so this is the first day I will start my injections. I am very nervous but also excited to be moving on. I have been blessed with such support with my friends and family. Dustin has been wonderful and through it I have to remember that he is dealing with this pain in his own way. Being patient and understanding of each other each day is really key to getting through this. Men are not like women and I know it is hard for him to see me in pain. So here I am today excited to embrace this journey, allowing God to walk along side us and no longer feeling ashamed of where we are. I have finally found the strong fighter that once left. She is back and ready to take on this fight!

Just what I needed

Sometimes getting away is just what you need. I realized this after having the most amazing 2 weeks away with amazing friends. Over the summer I planned a cruise with some very close friends of mine. It seemed like it would be forever until it got here but it was so worth the wait. This was planned first but our first adventure was to Ireland the beginning of Feb. Wow, I have to say this place still has a piece of my heart. The Irish people are so kind and welcoming, the landscapes are breathtaking and the company we were blessed with you can not put a price on. Good times, good conversations and making memories with amazing people. We were so blessed to be asked to join our friends on this trip and so glad we made the last minute decision to go 2 weeks prior to the actual trip. Needless to say those 2 weeks were crazy- planning and getting ready but I think that added an element to the trip that made it all the more special. Sometimes you need that fly by the seat of your pants feeling. Just do it! And so we did Feb 2nd we flew the skies to Dublin Ireland and so began the first stage of my healing heart.

The second phase was a cruise. Again with some very good people who we were blessed to spend the week with. This was our first cruise and so yes, there was some uneasy feelings and some throwing up but that was so worth it to make the memories that we did. To share the smiles with someone who to walks with me in my journey. Maybe the only person left who may understand what I carry along with me each day. To my friend I am sorry that you carry this and I pray that you too will very soon be sharing smiles with me when our new chapter begins. But until then I am glad that the smiles on this trip were made while we sailed away from Baltimore. First stop, Florida- Coco beach. So relaxing. Hearing the waves crashing, allowing my thoughts and for my pains to be a bit more understood. The feeling of such removal from the mess and the noise of what has been my life. Next stop the Nassau Bahamas where some fears were faced. The leap of faith was not just a slide this was also the plunge I will be taking in my real life adventures as they continue. I felt all the same. The fear, the unknown, the tingle in my body as I left go of the sides of the slide and felt my body just be free in the air, as my body crashed into the water I felt alive once again! As I know in real life there is fun and then there is pain as I also experienced while falling and leaving a chunk of my toe behind at that water park at Atlantis. As I limp around even today, days after returning home I laugh and realize that the pain, the fear, all of it was worth it there that day and it is too in my life each and every day. Freeport Bahamas was also a great place. Another beach allowing calming serenity and time with my hubby as we shopped and enjoyed it just being us. Remembering and discovering the people in both of us that has slowly been slipping away.

As we arrived in Baltimore once again.. Time to go home and go back to life I realized that I had changed. Life does that to us from time to time. I know that with each experience I will change and grow but what I got back was the feeling I had before. I am no longer dumb. I can feel again. I can breath and really feel the air go into my lungs, I want to go back to the girl who digested life slowly. Sipping on it like a fine wine or like the Jameson Whiskey that I grew to love in Ireland.

Living life with those we love, making smiles and memories for years to come. Now that is what life is all about....

Love, trust accept....

Time to turn around

And when I see you, I really see you upside down.

But my brain knows better, it picks you up and turns you around..

Great lyrics from a good song and as I think about these lyrics I wonder why in life this is so challenging sometimes. I see how what I have been through in my life makes it hard for me to do this with others. I see how others have done this with me but others also find it hard to turn me around as I do for them as well. I feel like a lot of times in life we are challenged with the fact that we have the ability to turn people around. See them as we should see them but so often walls become the barrier between us thinking about it and actually doing it. Always afraid that someone is going to make me sorry that I did this maybe afraid I will let someone down who is doing it to me. Life is so complex and there are bad people out there. so what faces run through your mind when you hear this lyric? who is out there that scares you to turn them around and who do you wish would turn you around? How do we break down the walls of fear while still maintaining who we are and embracing the past that has shaped us into being who we are today. Is life about changing us? or is it more about changing how we think or how we feel? I wish I had all the answers to this but I am also realizing that I will die not knowing all the answers, understanding everything or ever being understood by everyone who meets me and I guess I am getting to a point where I am more and more ok with that. So here is your New Years challenge- go out and turn someone around so they feel understood when the rest of the world see's them upside down....

Read. Discuss. Grow

The Bloom Book club is now Bloom Incourage. Read more about the next book in an amazing book club. It has changed my life, hopefully it can do the same for you....

Dancing in the rain...

I pray that whatever your storm is in life that through Gods grace and love that your pain soon be turned into a pearl and in the meantime smile and dance as if no one is watching....

Just you and me...

If Not For You

If not for you, I wouldn’t know
What true love really meant.
I’d never feel this inner peace;
I couldn’t be content.

If not for you, I’d never have
The pleasures of romance.
I’d miss the bliss, the craziness,
Of love’s sweet, silly dance.

I have to feel your tender touch;
I have to hear your voice;
No other one could take your place;
You’re it; I have no choice.

If not for you, I’d be adrift;
I don’t know what I’d do;
I’d be searching for my other half,
Incomplete, if not for you.

By Joanna Fuchs
I love you Dustin and if forever it is just you and me that is ok with me because with you and only you I am complete....