Merry Christmas!

Well Christmas came and went so fast. All that work and it is over in one big poof! I am very blessed again this year to have had a busy and fun holiday with family. Lot's of good food, laughs and memories made. I look forward to what next Christmas will bring and I will continue to hold onto hope and have faith..

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and here's to a GREAT 2012!

blasphemer

You would be very ashamed if you knew what the experiences you call setbacks, upheavals, pointless disturbances, and tedious annoyances really are. You would realize that your complaints about them are nothing more nor less than blasphemies-though that never occurs to you. Nothing happens to you except by the will of God, and yet [God's] beloved children curse it because they do not know it for what it is..

~Ann V (one thousand gifts)

This is so hard for me right now.. How do I do this with my fight and struggle with infertility? But isn't this what everyone going through pain and suffering would ask? With so much pain, so many loosing battles, fighting battles and with such brokenness in this world how do we truly do this? This for me is where TRUE faith steps in. The faith to hold onto this truth that we do not know and that God is good and that nothing happens without a reason and a purpose. But we need to remember that is up to us though. To not let go, to take the circumstance no matter what it is and allow the light to shine through it. But gosh this is so hard! But as I am challenged to be thankful, to each day count my blessing even in the small things like my warm coffee.. by writing it down it has really been helping me. The book one thousand gifts has really been opening my eyes. The blessing of community has been huge for me because some days all you have is for someone to understand and just help you walk it out. There are woman that I do not even know or never have met that have impacted me beyond belief and I thank them for being open and not being silent or ashamed. I challenge myself to do this each day so that in the end it is not for nothing at my choosing and remembering that my job is to continue to let the light shine while remembering that God is good and I just need to be strong enough to walk it out.. Some days though I will be honest I lay down. I grow so tired. But I thank God today for those who drag me, give me that piggy back in life that I need. Remember today if you are struggling.. one day at a time. Everything is going to be ok. Stop.. breath and try to find something good.. Something that will allow you to hold on just one more day. xoxo

What really matters...

As I sit and really think about Christmas and what is suppose to mean while all the noise and stress of the holidays fills my mind I am reminded that the little details dont matter. Its the big things that matter. As I remember those that have lost loved ones who will no longer be with them this Christmas I am thankful that we have everyone special to us this year. As we try to make all the little details perfect which allows us all to be crazy and at each other wanting things our way let us remember that we would miss those we are bickering with if they were not around so maybe just maybe we should take the gloves off and step out of the ring.. Hoping everyone is having a good holiday so far. Dustin and I had some fun getting our tree this weekend! Many blessings this holiday..

Knowing who you are allows you to hold on in the dark times..

Remembering today to be a proverbs 31:25 woman. As I wake up feeling down, tired and discouraged I need to remember that I may not determine my circumstances but I do determine who I am and it allows me to stand strong in defining who I really am. It is easy to be you in the easy times, but being you in the hard times brings on true character. For today, I am a wife to a wonderful man. I live a beautiful life, I have wonderful friends and family and although I may not hear the pitter patter of those little feet running around my home I would never trade what I dream of for what I have right now. The love of my life that I still get butterflies thinking about, the way his smile makes me feel when he comes home, the way he always knows just what I need and loves me even in all my many imperfect ways. Yes, I want more and I will never allow anyone to make me feel selfish for that.. but I also know where I am now, and I am blessed for this storm as I know that it is only preparing me for what lies ahead.. what that is I do not know but I am willing to walk it out and find out. What I have learned is as your storm goes on for what feels like forever. Find ways to remind yourself of the truth of the matter when you have those days that you have a hard time holding on. The pictures I create, the quotes that I display are all ways I do this because it is hard... so hard to some days not just allow the lies to swallow you up. Find ways to allow the light to shine in always..

Thank you for reading and taking the time to share in my journey as I continue to Walk tall while leaving my bold footprint on this thing called life one day at a time...

Pinterest

Loving the site Pinterest! It is so addicting.. I have been pinning so many new idea's and even tried some. Here are some of the things I did today. Kind of loving the crafty side that I am discovering..

Painted glass.. peace..

Painted glass.. Love..

Wreath with chalkboard paint board behind

Joy...

The lens we choose..

I think at times we struggle with the real life emotions that we have. Life seems to go by so fast. Each day we carry heavy burdens. It is hard to slow life down and really be present in moments that we often look back on and wish we could do different. Times we are quick to anger or to just miss an opportunity to be nice. I had one of those moments the other day. I woke up not feeling well and in a funk. One of those days you just don't want to see anyone or talk because you know you can not be the version of you that people want you to be. I felt stretched, stressed and just worn thin. One task I had to get done was to go to the post office which I was dreading. As I pull up to the post office even too tired to have washed my face or put on any make up I think, I will just go in and out real quick as to avoid as many people as possible. As I pull into the parking lot I see it is very full and lots of people with packages. I sigh with frustration. I see an older couple, a very cute couple with many packages I am guessing for loved ones, maybe grandchildren.. As I get out of the car seeing them in front of me, consumed with myself and my funk wrapping around me squeezing me tightly I begin to move quickly as to get in front of them so to enter the post office before them to avoid waiting in line behind them. You know, my quick get in and get out plan. As I am doing this I find myself called to slow down, think this through, (Eucharisteo). As I do this I begin to grab for the post office door while looking over my shoulder at the cute older couple with packages overflowing in each of their arms and I, at this moment have the opportunity to get over myself or continue on as I may have done so many other times before. I choose to continue to slow down, take a deep breath while I open the door for this couple that I could not help but smile at when I see them. I help them in the door with their packages. As I do this the older man looks at me and tells me what a big help this was and today I was Santa's little helper. I am thankful for this as I find my funk, which was squeezing me so tight that I could not breath ,releasing. I found myself smiling. As we stood in line the older man reminded his wife that I was before them but took the time to help them out so I should go ahead of them as I only had one package. Wow, this man, who thought I was such a blessing to them that day was to me. I am thankful for him and the little ways he helped me realize what I was about to miss that day. I kindly told them thank you but that I am in no hurry. As I really was not. So that day my gift was the act of slowing down and embracing the joy of another and the view I had on the difference one small decision can make.

Taking the time to stop, breath and allow our powers to release us of our chains bonding us to the darkness so that there in that moment there can be light.

Beauty of the season

The beauty of Christmas is such a gift.. one I am enjoying to open up this year..

Holding onto Hope, opening up to love and finding Joy this holiday season.. Wishing the same for you.

Child like joy...

I am blessed to have a wonderful family. My cousin and her husband are ones we have been very close to for some time. She now has a 2 1/2 year old that I adore. I have been watching him since he was a little baby and now at the fun age of 2 1/2- boy is he such a little person that makes me smile so big. As I spend time with him I realize that I want some of his child like joy! Some of that child like faith. As the years of our lives press on and people change and our hearts get hurt, with each passing day faith can loose its luster and we can become hardened. I see him as he experiences the christmas decorations this year. The joy in his face and the faith that everything is going to be alright. I think about how as I sit rubbing my sore toe he stopped what he was doing and with such love asked me "what's wrong. I told him my toe is hurting and I am rubbing it. He put his hand on me so gentle and said, it's alright. And in that moment I felt God speaking to me. Through this kind young child.. I found myself really believing him. That everything was really going to be ok. With not only my hurting toe but my hurting heart, my broken spirit at times and my shattered faith. I found myself that night praying for his child like faith. I also find myself thinking about how as we sat at the table together, as a family, that he took the time to stop and smile and express ( in his 2 1/2 year old way) how we were to notice that we were all there at the table together. The look on his face I can not even express the joy he was feeling as we ate our enchiladas and he ate his fruit snacks. About something that we all to often take for granted in our busy, hectic, painful lives. Gosh how children are such a blessing and while we are teaching them about life and helping them grow how they can too be teaching us. Thank you to Mr Z for teaching me last night about the importance of joy.. true joy and faith that it is all going to be alright...

Gamble on faith..

As I think through my fear of a decision I have been faced with making I realize that the biggest thing in my way is money. Don't we all say this? We never have enough even at all levels. The more we have the more we spend. If only there was a money tree. I find myself always saying but then I realize that this very thing is stopping me from truly having faith.. True faith in God. I don't mean this to say that we are to be unwise with the use of our money as we should be thankful and careful with our spending and not be greedy but that we also can not put so much focus on it. So I am reminded of this verse.

Luke 16:13 (NIV) "No servant can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money.

This is hard for me but I am embracing my faith in the lord with our finances. Gambling a bit on faith if you will. Praying that if you too are in a place were you find money being the one thing that is stopping you from really moving forward to a place you feel burning in your heart that you too may take the gamble.

Rolling the dice and giving it all up to HIM...

words to remember..

Rise and go; your faith has made you well. (Luke 17:17-19 NIV)

The giving of thanks is what makes us well.. Even in the dark, ugly times. We are being given a gift.. look for it.. find it.. allow it to be seen..

Eucharisteo - Thanksgiving - always precedes the miracle..

Life in between..

....It's the life in between, the days of walking lifeless, the years calloused and simply going through the hollow motions, the self protecting by self-distracting, the body never waking, that's lost all capacity to fully feel- this is the life in between that makes us the wild walking dead....

Ann Voskamp

One Thousand Gifts...

So what do YOU believe in?

I believe that it is the ugliest of places that can make us the most beautiful..

and I believe that making the ugly places shine with our beauty is a blessing because it allows us to show the world who we really are and what we are truly made of because the places we are determined to get to will be all that more beautiful once we arrive...

~ams~

Happy Halloween!

TRICK OR TREAT!

My front porch all ready for the trick or treaters..

Me..

Finding happiness today in....

Pumpkin Pancakes! Happy friday and happy fall to all of you!

I am alive

So yes I am alive.. Not feeling too much lately as I have allowed myself to creep back into the numb stage but feeling like it is time for me to start blogging again... No further ahead yet in our journey of becoming parents but I am starting to feel the strength to start to fight again. In this journey I have realized that people will say things to you that you can not allow to seep into your brain.. they don't mean to but I think sometimes people just don't know what to say and they find themselves subconsciously telling us lies. The one that has stopped me most recently is " well maybe it is just not God's plan for you". Really? Why? Why would anyone say that? They mean it to be kind but here's the truth... its not! So please if you are in the path of someone hurting do not say this to them. It is a lie and it is one that I found myself believing. What I have come to realize is that it is God's plan... but not mine. My plan is the perfect story of a married couples love bringing a child into this world with no complications.. it just happens and they live happily ever after.. but God's plan is good even though at times I see it as bad.. it is written with a different pen and I need to be willing to walk it out.. You see God wants for you to have what your heart desires but we all have a plan or a calling and being willing to walk it out with him through the heartache is part of the plan. I can not tell you why some of our stories look like they do.. I can not tell you not to be mad because I have been but I can tell you that if you focus on the truth you will be fine. You see when you tell someone that it is not gods plan for them you are only hurting them. Making them believe they should just give up. God does not want for us to have a wimpy attitude towards life. To just throw in the towel. So why do I find so many people especially christians telling people this? I can not tell you what your plan is and I don't think anyone can tell you that something is not Gods plan for you. So if you are like me, feeling that burning not going away then stand up and realize something.. You can get where your going.. just keep moving and fighting and do it with a willing attitude to not know what the plan is but that you are willing to keep walking it out one step at a time... Together lets have faith that we will get there... If a door is open you just need to find the faith to walk through it for hope that you may just find a miracle on the other side...

Gods promise and timing...

Read this morning .. gives me hope...

The average woman would be alarmed if angeles showed up at her door and told her that even though she's long past childbearing age, she is going to have a baby. Sarah laughed. It wasn't that she didn't want to have a child. For most of her ninety or so years she'd tried to get pregnant. And this wasn't the first time God had sent the message that she was to become a mother. He'd said that before and nothing happened. So Sarah tried to "HELP" God out by encouraging her servant girl to have a child by her husband, Abraham, a child she had planned to raise. But Sarah's schemes to help God fulfill God's promise ended up in a mess.
After years had passed, God reminded Sarah and Abraham of His promise. Sarah's laughter indicated that she had given up on ever holding that baby. But the angeles reminded her, "Is anything too hard for the LORD?"
At one time or another, we all believe that God has promised us something, but we haven't seen the promise fulfilled. When that happens, it's tempting to try to finagle people and situations to make the desired results happen. And after disappointments, it's tempting to just give up on God. KEEP YOUR HOPE IN HIM. His timing is not the same as ours.
What God promises, He will do. Let's put our faith in high gear and wait for him to act when everything is just right .Remember nothing is impossible for God. Is anything too hard for the LORD? NO! I will return to see you at the right time a year from now, and Sarah will have a son. (Genesis 18:14 KJV) TO GOD BE THE GLORY! Written by Wilma- (Sister's in Christ Women's fellowship)

Update

So the last time I posted about the baby journey was about our cycle in May that was cut short and did not work. Here we are in Aug and thus far we have not started any other cycles. One for money reasons. We just don't have the extra money and honestly that cycle was so emotionally exhausting that I just needed a break. So the roller coaster ride continues and I each day continue to ask why? I grow so tired of trying to come up with reasons WHY this is happening to us and the bottom line is because life is not fair. We don't always get what we want and it just is what it is. You can sit down and make a list of the whys and the ones that make it all make sense of why the bad happens and at the end of the day it just is.. Over the past 5 years I would say to myself that if I would have done this or if I do that or don't do this it will happen, like it was my fault and needed to be good enough to earn it. That is wrong. I am good enough and yet it still does not happen. I used to be angry at God but I am less angry each day and more asking him to comfort me. We are right now, more so me, embracing moving on with life the way it is. Focusing more on God and being happy for what we have then on what we do not without loosing hope that it will happen. I do not know when we will do another cycle. I realize that there was a piece of me stolen through all of this.. I sometimes see her looking back at me.. I pray more now that I will be more of that person again or the person that this is suppose to shape me into being. And as I get frustrated that God is not allowing me to just move on I am thankful though that I am not completely able to move on because I feel this may be Gods way of giving me hope to hold on.. I am thankful that I do have my husband and what this has done for us and our marriage. I do realize that I could die tomorrow and that if tomorrow is my day to go I want to know that no matter what happened I lived my life well. I played my hand of cards given the best I could and I maybe made a few people laugh and smile along the way.. That I DO have control over.. The rest is yet to be seen....

Continuing to pray for our miracle... Thank you for praying with us...

Restoring what was lost...

I am sitting here today coffee next to me, eyes filled with tears. Tears of sadness for many losses.. lost memories that have been stolen while my storm has raged on.. this has been one of the longest storms of my life.. 5 years.. but really I feel like I have always been in a storm.. I am feeling the storm ending and I have learned from this that no matter what happens in your life, no matter the pain try to remember that you can never get today back. As I blink my eyes I realize that I have missed so much being so consumed in my own mind, the pain was just so severe and my faith was so weak.. I feel that God loves me anyway which I do not even deserve. I push him away because I feel so unworthy, so ashamed..Why do I feel you smiling God? You should be angry.. Why have you restored friendships? They should not love me.. Why have you blessed me with such an amazing husband? I can never be all he deserves me to be.. but he loves me and each day I wonder why... You see when you look in the mirror and you can not find any reasons why to love yourself that day ask God to show you what he see's.. Do less talking to people and more talking to God.. Have fun with your friends but also pray for them.. I am seeing amazing things happen in my life as well as my friends lives... So today I can not quote every scripture, I may not know the right thing to do at all times, but I can tell you the love of God is great because I feel it and all I needed to do was open my heart to accept it.. So devil you can have the memories you have stolen but no more will be given and all will be restored from the one who loves me....

Strength...