the process of discovery...

As I sit here and reflect on my life. I digest the good and the bad I realize that I say things without even realizing what I am saying. As I find myself in a place in life that is no where that I want to be. I just want it to end I want it to go away, I find myself saying that I just want my life back. Today I realized that is not what I want at all. I do not want that life back, I know the life I want and that is why I need to continue to fight. I know the life I want so today I say, that I do not want my life back I know the life I want and I am going to get it! I sit here and realize how close I am. How many steps have been made and the many blessings I have. All the pieces of the puzzle are coming together just perfectly and this actually brings me such joy! I am so close I can taste it and right now is exactly when the devil wants to make me believe even more that I can not do this and that this may never happen. Could I have it all? Could this person looking back at me in the mirror be just who I was meant to discover? A new and improved Anne ready to take on the next chapter of her life. I say yes and I want for you to believe the same things for you! Thank you God for revealing this to me today. When my mind is so filled with what is not going right I was able to focus on what is going right. So in your time of need, in your storm, whatever it is do this.. Take time to sit, be still.. Let it all digest.. Nothing more you have to do today is that important. Go and sit alone and quiet your mind. I pray you are given the peace that I have been given today. Tomorrow is another day but for today I have peace that I am just that much closer to my dream...

Moving forward not behind and doing it with a smile...

Moving on...

Another month of disappointment. Finding the strength to move on. Thankful for my loving husband and my wonderful friends who are the reason I am starting to see the light. Words can not describe the pain I felt yesterday.

I will be meeting with the doctor about a game plan moving forward. We are taking a month off of injections and IUI to allow for my body to heal from this month.

Holding on to hope and continuing to count my blessings.

Until next time... and in the meantime... remember to smile....

Holding on....

So as I go through this journey I knew I was going to have to fight but now my fight is becoming harder. After getting good news with each day at the doctors. Blood work and ultrasound I get a sudden jolt to my ride, My doctor called yesterday and told me that I have ovulated naturally on my own early in my cycle and that we can not move forward with the IUI. She said that we still have a chance ( which is now decreased) of getting pregnant but that we had to move quick as I already ovulated through the night or early in the morning. As the words came out of her mouth I felt so weak. Like someone just took every breath from my body. I could not believe it but to be honest my inner voice had already told me this. I feel like God spoke to me the day before. Although we were in Hershey that day I kept telling Dustin that I feel like I am going to ovulate and that something is going to go wrong. So I guess in a way I was a bit prepared so for that I am thankful to God for that warning. I was reminded by a friend that it is good that I am hearing from him and to just keep moving forward and stay close to him and my faith which to be honest is so hard. My faith has never been so tested and I have a hard time not being angry at God. Not yelling at him, not demanding answers. But yesterday as I got the news I felt him holding me up as my legs felt like they were going to give out. I felt him holding me and telling me that he loves me, that everything is going to be ok. I am so blessed with such an amazing husband who is been so great through all of this, such wonderful friends and family that support us and I just feel like I can not let this get me down. It is not what I wanted and it hurts more than I can express, I am so scared I can not even sometimes breath but I have to realize that we deserve this and we need to keep fighting for what we want and I believe in my heart God wants us to have. So I am brushing myself off and moving on holding onto hope that it will still work for us. If not we will get another plan in place with the doc and after waiting one cycle to let my body get back to normal from the shots continue on. Thank you for your prayers... They are much needed and we feel them...

Continuing with faith to turn the pages of this chapter in our life.....

Looking for blessings

So I am on my way.. Day 3 of my shots was last night and so far I am feeling good. I have to say it is not the most fun part of my day and the fear of needles I thought by now that would be overcome is not going away but fear does not stop me anymore. As I sit and think about my journey and let myself go to the place of saying why me I have to think that I feel like it is the broken places we end up in life that can make things so much more clear. Things that we may not normally see otherwise. I am thankful that this is me some days for many reasons and then some days I hate that this is me and each day I have to remember that it could be worse. As I think of a friend who has been battling cancer and another who just lost her son. I pray each day for those that are having those why me moments that they have peace and allow the broken place they have been brought to in life to allow them to see clear the things that they need to see to help guide them where they are going...

So tomorrow is a big day.. For me and a very dear friend. For me I will be heading to Hershey to have an ultra sound done and bloodwork to see my progress on the meds. From there we will be mapping out more of a plan. Hoping for good news tomorrow! And for you my dear friend, you are one of the reasons why I am glad it is me and I am glad it is you together on this broken road because together with those we love we so got this girl! Hang on tight!

Until next time.....

My hubby is my hero!

So today was day one of my shots and after standing there ready to shoot for what felt like the longest time I realized that I could not do it! I am too afraid of needles. Just seeing needles makes me feel faint and having to get it into my stomach was not happening. So my hero husband came to the rescue and did it for me. He even held my hand. God love this man.. So one shot down! Excited to have this moving along.. Day one.. Success!

Revealing a painful layer...

So today I reveal a painful layer to those of you I call my readers.. Some of you I do not even know but I am feeling lead to open up a bit and share in something that I have for a long time kept hidden away. So hear it goes.. 4 years ago my life changed for good. This was the day my husband and I decided to start our journey of becoming parents. For most this comes very easy as I thought it would for us but here we are 4 years later wondering how we got so blindsided. I have been through all sorts of emotions through this time. Most of which were very low moments for me. I never in a million years thought that this would be so hard. For those of you who have never gone through this I pray you never do and for those of you who are I pray it ends soon with a happy ending. I wish I would have been writing about this all along but honesty it has been so raw for me that maybe it is better this way. This has shaken my faith BIG time. There was a long period of time that I completely walked away from God. I have returned but it has not been easy. It is a work in progress. I am slowing being able to see the blessings that he has brought to my life and how this journey has made me a different person. I think it is safe to say that I have experienced, like many of you have maybe, a time in my life where I kept waiting for things to go back to normal. To start feeling the same again and with some things that happen to us in life the reality is we will never be the same. And for me this is one of those times in my life. It can be filled with light or dark and after going for a long time in the dark I am ready to embrace the light. For my husband, and all those that love me. So here I am today starting a new chapter with change. Todays change is opening up. Doing something different so to hopefully produce a different result. So today starts day one of my journey. Like my husband and close friends have told me, I have to not look back and just look forward. But I will look back a bit to let you in on where we have been - after trying and nothing happening we finally decided to try Clomid, a drug to help my overies work harder to help us along. I did 3 months of this and got nothing but very sick and had very bad side effects. I was also not being monitored like I should have been so after being encouraged by a friend I changed doctors. We decided to go to Hershey Med to a Reproductive Endocrinologist for help. So glad I did. Love my doctor. We have had a bunch to test done to determine that neither one of us have anything wrong which would be preventing us from getting pregnant. Very happy to hear this but also discouraged since there is nothing to fix and for me hard to wrap my mind around. Then why is it not happening? So from here we are left with either banging our heads against the wall and being mad or just moving on. So we chose moving on. Our options have been laid out and we chose to do injections plus IUI. It is the next step in doing something different hoping for a positive result. So today is day 2 of my cycle so this is the first day I will start my injections. I am very nervous but also excited to be moving on. I have been blessed with such support with my friends and family. Dustin has been wonderful and through it I have to remember that he is dealing with this pain in his own way. Being patient and understanding of each other each day is really key to getting through this. Men are not like women and I know it is hard for him to see me in pain. So here I am today excited to embrace this journey, allowing God to walk along side us and no longer feeling ashamed of where we are. I have finally found the strong fighter that once left. She is back and ready to take on this fight!

Just what I needed

Sometimes getting away is just what you need. I realized this after having the most amazing 2 weeks away with amazing friends. Over the summer I planned a cruise with some very close friends of mine. It seemed like it would be forever until it got here but it was so worth the wait. This was planned first but our first adventure was to Ireland the beginning of Feb. Wow, I have to say this place still has a piece of my heart. The Irish people are so kind and welcoming, the landscapes are breathtaking and the company we were blessed with you can not put a price on. Good times, good conversations and making memories with amazing people. We were so blessed to be asked to join our friends on this trip and so glad we made the last minute decision to go 2 weeks prior to the actual trip. Needless to say those 2 weeks were crazy- planning and getting ready but I think that added an element to the trip that made it all the more special. Sometimes you need that fly by the seat of your pants feeling. Just do it! And so we did Feb 2nd we flew the skies to Dublin Ireland and so began the first stage of my healing heart.

The second phase was a cruise. Again with some very good people who we were blessed to spend the week with. This was our first cruise and so yes, there was some uneasy feelings and some throwing up but that was so worth it to make the memories that we did. To share the smiles with someone who to walks with me in my journey. Maybe the only person left who may understand what I carry along with me each day. To my friend I am sorry that you carry this and I pray that you too will very soon be sharing smiles with me when our new chapter begins. But until then I am glad that the smiles on this trip were made while we sailed away from Baltimore. First stop, Florida- Coco beach. So relaxing. Hearing the waves crashing, allowing my thoughts and for my pains to be a bit more understood. The feeling of such removal from the mess and the noise of what has been my life. Next stop the Nassau Bahamas where some fears were faced. The leap of faith was not just a slide this was also the plunge I will be taking in my real life adventures as they continue. I felt all the same. The fear, the unknown, the tingle in my body as I left go of the sides of the slide and felt my body just be free in the air, as my body crashed into the water I felt alive once again! As I know in real life there is fun and then there is pain as I also experienced while falling and leaving a chunk of my toe behind at that water park at Atlantis. As I limp around even today, days after returning home I laugh and realize that the pain, the fear, all of it was worth it there that day and it is too in my life each and every day. Freeport Bahamas was also a great place. Another beach allowing calming serenity and time with my hubby as we shopped and enjoyed it just being us. Remembering and discovering the people in both of us that has slowly been slipping away.

As we arrived in Baltimore once again.. Time to go home and go back to life I realized that I had changed. Life does that to us from time to time. I know that with each experience I will change and grow but what I got back was the feeling I had before. I am no longer dumb. I can feel again. I can breath and really feel the air go into my lungs, I want to go back to the girl who digested life slowly. Sipping on it like a fine wine or like the Jameson Whiskey that I grew to love in Ireland.

Living life with those we love, making smiles and memories for years to come. Now that is what life is all about....

Love, trust accept....

Time to turn around

And when I see you, I really see you upside down.

But my brain knows better, it picks you up and turns you around..

Great lyrics from a good song and as I think about these lyrics I wonder why in life this is so challenging sometimes. I see how what I have been through in my life makes it hard for me to do this with others. I see how others have done this with me but others also find it hard to turn me around as I do for them as well. I feel like a lot of times in life we are challenged with the fact that we have the ability to turn people around. See them as we should see them but so often walls become the barrier between us thinking about it and actually doing it. Always afraid that someone is going to make me sorry that I did this maybe afraid I will let someone down who is doing it to me. Life is so complex and there are bad people out there. so what faces run through your mind when you hear this lyric? who is out there that scares you to turn them around and who do you wish would turn you around? How do we break down the walls of fear while still maintaining who we are and embracing the past that has shaped us into being who we are today. Is life about changing us? or is it more about changing how we think or how we feel? I wish I had all the answers to this but I am also realizing that I will die not knowing all the answers, understanding everything or ever being understood by everyone who meets me and I guess I am getting to a point where I am more and more ok with that. So here is your New Years challenge- go out and turn someone around so they feel understood when the rest of the world see's them upside down....

Read. Discuss. Grow

The Bloom Book club is now Bloom Incourage. Read more about the next book in an amazing book club. It has changed my life, hopefully it can do the same for you....

Dancing in the rain...

I pray that whatever your storm is in life that through Gods grace and love that your pain soon be turned into a pearl and in the meantime smile and dance as if no one is watching....

Just you and me...

If Not For You

If not for you, I wouldn’t know
What true love really meant.
I’d never feel this inner peace;
I couldn’t be content.

If not for you, I’d never have
The pleasures of romance.
I’d miss the bliss, the craziness,
Of love’s sweet, silly dance.

I have to feel your tender touch;
I have to hear your voice;
No other one could take your place;
You’re it; I have no choice.

If not for you, I’d be adrift;
I don’t know what I’d do;
I’d be searching for my other half,
Incomplete, if not for you.

By Joanna Fuchs
I love you Dustin and if forever it is just you and me that is ok with me because with you and only you I am complete....

In recent years I have kept Christmas decorations up until after the new year but this year they are gone already and I am happy to embrace a New Year! I pray that 2011 is a good one for not only me but for all my friends, family and for anyone who feels like I do and is ready to leave 2010 behind. Although 2010 may not have provided to me exactly what I wanted I am thankful for the wonderful friendships that have bloomed. Friendships that came so unexpectedly during a world wind kind of a time in my life.

So cheers to ringing in a New Year with those we love and to 2011 being good to all of us!

Happy New Year!!!

What if this is it?

I was recently faced with the question of what if this is it? Would I be ok with that. I have been faced with the realization that the past 4 years may have changed me forever. Never to be the same. In the blink of an eye my world has been turned up side down. I look at myself and I do not see me anymore. The truth of the matter is I have to find myself, the strong warrior that my husband reminded me that I am. What if you find yourself fighting a battle you don't think you can win? For the first time I have experienced that. The girl once filled with piss and vinegar has found herself so afraid, fearful and tired.

So today I am realizing that I am ok with it if this is it. I have to be. I have an amazing life, with amazing people right by my side. I am healthy and I should be happy. My colors need to be bright and no longer faded. This does not take away the fact that I yearn for more and that I am willing to do what I need to but in the meantime, I am going to be happy, free of fear, embrace those who love me and care about me. As I get older I realize that I have spent most of my life living in the past or the future. Its time to live in the present, just for today, one step at a time holding on to the dream that may come true one day......

It's not all good....

I am approaching the year mark of when I lost my grammy. Last year's Christmas was so stressful and overwhelming dealing with my Christmas wish not coming true, my grandmother dying and my parents divorce which ended very ugly. Every Christmas seems to be a bit of a bitter sweet for me which started with my ongoing issues with my mother. Most years have been spent with out her which is very sad for me. It is hard not to have you mother even though most of my life I have not and really do not know what it feels like to have a REAL mother daughter relationship. I feel bad although the choice for us to not have a relationship is hers although I am sure she would beg to differ with that statement. I have always seen the holidays as a very painful and stressful situation because it brings to the surface the things that can be shoved under the rug the rest of the year. So with that and last year's events this year once again brings me to the same place of a bitter sweet feeling. I am thankful for the fact that things worked out for my dad but sad that he is alone when all he ever wanted was a family, for us all to be happy and to be loved. He is such a good man and all he tried to do is love my mother. All we all ever tried to do but which never seemed to be good enough. So I feel sad for him this year as I think of him all alone in the house that once was filled with my sister and I and my mom. Even as disfunctional it was at least the house was not empty. I pray for restoration with him, for us and for someone special to come into his life. Someone who can love him and make him smile in a way that as a daughter I can not. It is hard for me not to be able to fix it. Just put the special super glue on it and make the pain go away. It is hard for me to see such a good man so shattered but thankful for how strong he has become and the places it has taken us as daddy and daughter. Walking through his pain's with him, keeping him held up when he needed it the most is a place that I will treasure till the day I die. I am happy to be his daughter and to be able to give back just an ounce of what he has given to me. Part of his GREAT pain has been the loss of his mother, my grammy. Such a painful place this still is. I am starting to realize that I will never get over her or stop missing her. I think about her every day. I think about the mother she was to my dad. The mother that I always longed to have. I think about the woman she was to me. How she always made me feel so safe, comforted and her strength made me feel secure. I think about who she was to our family. The glue in so many ways. She never forgot anyone and loved her family NO MATTER WHAT. She would put a smile on her face even when she was in such pain just so you would feel better. She loved to feed her family and as I sit here just the image of her beautiful face brings tears to my eyes. I hate myself for taking her for granted and letting life stop me from spending time with her like I should have. That she may have questioned my love for her and I am thankful that as she laid dying in her bed that I was able to tell her just how very much I loved her and that I was sorry. And she so gently turned her head and looked at me and said that it was good to know. She smiled at me and took my hand and held it. A moment I will never forget a pain that will never go away and as I held her after she went to heaven, her cold body although I knew she was no longer there I still felt her with me. I never wanted to let her go, I wanted to hold her forever. As I read someone's blog today I was reminded that I am not the only one who finds pain in the holidays, a time that should be happy and jolly can be a place of such pain. Maybe this is why people are not so nice around this time of year. I am reminded that just a kind jester might be in order for those grinches we come across because you never know what someone might be going through. What things are being brought out from under the rug or who they may have lost or may be loosing that year or what things in there life may be falling apart and turning out not how they planned for their life. So go out and smile at someone today. You never know what your kindness may do for a hurting person this holiday season because life is not always good even around the holidays.....

THE HOUR OF ISOLATION

As I read THE HOUR OF ISOLATION today I was given some hope. Hope that God is still with me and hope that he still exists. I will be honest lately I have really questioned. With each passing year of a certain prayer not being answered and lately feeling him less and less present in my life. I have struggled with accepting that God's plan might not be mine and the feelings of guilt for not being ok with that. Does not being ok with the fact that I want my life to be a certain way and I will do what I have to make it be mean I have to walk away from my faith? I recently had coffee with a friend who let me in on a thought of maybe God is not playing games with us. Maybe there is not just one way to go. Maybe it is our choice and he goes with us whichever way we go? So Maybe me saying to God I am not ok with his plan it is not so much me saying I dont want to follow him but rather he is giving me more of a choice in life. Maybe I am the one making this so much more difficult than it has to be? Story of my life, making things more difficult. So as I walk this journey I am thankful, thankful for the discovery through it, of myself and others around me and of God. So whatever you are going through right now. If you feel at the end of your rope, you feel that you can not hold on I urge you to hold on. Hold on to your dreams, hold on to what is on your heart and I hope for you and me that our dreams come true...

There is a reason for every season

When we plant a garden, we begin with a clear idea of what we will plan, how many and how deep the rows, and how we will care for what we have planted. Yet we cannot know whether there will be drought or flood, heat or cold, which seeds will do well, what bugs or diseases will emerge this season, or how the harvest will be. We can work hard to anticipate these things, but some of our efforts will be fruitful and some will not. This is the nature of all life, moved by silent forces larger than we can ever comprehend.

Chapter- Beginner's Mind/ from the book Sabbath by Wayne Muller

As I think about this I realize how easy it is to read and understand this but acting it out and going through the motions of life for me are very hard. As I struggle with a particular thing in my life I am left wondering why can I not be still? Why can I not just let it go? I think if I am honest being still makes me feel helpless. Being helpless is a hard place for me. Being out of control is also a very hard place for me to go and I think for me the stillness makes me feel out of control. I am a problem solver. I have to have an answer. And to some things there is not an answer or a fix to it, it just is. Today I sit here and realize that I don't know what will make this better but that at least the fact that I am aware and can be honest about how I am feeling gives me a sense of understanding of myself and others who I walk through in their ups and downs. That people are not always looking for me to fix them or have an answer but to just be there for them. For me this may allow me to chill out a bit and take the pressure and stress off myself. I realize that the things I am doing to "fix" my current problem may not do anything at all. That what I am doing is just feeding my appetite for control and the need to fix a problem I am not meant to fix. I am to be still and KNOW that God has everything under control and can and will fix all our problems all in perfect timing and while I wait I remember who I am and never allow the problems of life and the pains and suffering that I go through to change that...

Faith is fading

“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see” (Hebrews 11:1).

Another world

Do you ever wonder what it would be like to at night when you close your eyes you could live another life? One where the dreams we entertain in our minds would be true and in our dreams there are no rules, no wrong and right, no regret and nothing but for that night but just being exactly what we want it to be. That our two worlds would never collide and meet each other. Maybe in this world there would be no fear and we could do all the things we are too afraid to do in this life or say all the things we are afraid to say? Or maybe it would be a perfect fairy tale with nothing but happy endings.. What would your dreams look like? If for that moment you did not have to wake up, not just yet....

Happiness.

Happiness is the single commodity not produced by the free-market economy. Worse than that, when we are happy, we don't feel the need to buy anything. The Sabbath, a day of delight, a day to be at peace with all we have, is a radical, dangerous prescription. Because happy people will grind the wheels of progress to a terrible halt;a bloodless revolution, without a single shot being fired...