Time to turn around

And when I see you, I really see you upside down.

But my brain knows better, it picks you up and turns you around..

Great lyrics from a good song and as I think about these lyrics I wonder why in life this is so challenging sometimes. I see how what I have been through in my life makes it hard for me to do this with others. I see how others have done this with me but others also find it hard to turn me around as I do for them as well. I feel like a lot of times in life we are challenged with the fact that we have the ability to turn people around. See them as we should see them but so often walls become the barrier between us thinking about it and actually doing it. Always afraid that someone is going to make me sorry that I did this maybe afraid I will let someone down who is doing it to me. Life is so complex and there are bad people out there. so what faces run through your mind when you hear this lyric? who is out there that scares you to turn them around and who do you wish would turn you around? How do we break down the walls of fear while still maintaining who we are and embracing the past that has shaped us into being who we are today. Is life about changing us? or is it more about changing how we think or how we feel? I wish I had all the answers to this but I am also realizing that I will die not knowing all the answers, understanding everything or ever being understood by everyone who meets me and I guess I am getting to a point where I am more and more ok with that. So here is your New Years challenge- go out and turn someone around so they feel understood when the rest of the world see's them upside down....

Read. Discuss. Grow

The Bloom Book club is now Bloom Incourage. Read more about the next book in an amazing book club. It has changed my life, hopefully it can do the same for you....

Dancing in the rain...

I pray that whatever your storm is in life that through Gods grace and love that your pain soon be turned into a pearl and in the meantime smile and dance as if no one is watching....

Just you and me...

If Not For You

If not for you, I wouldn’t know
What true love really meant.
I’d never feel this inner peace;
I couldn’t be content.

If not for you, I’d never have
The pleasures of romance.
I’d miss the bliss, the craziness,
Of love’s sweet, silly dance.

I have to feel your tender touch;
I have to hear your voice;
No other one could take your place;
You’re it; I have no choice.

If not for you, I’d be adrift;
I don’t know what I’d do;
I’d be searching for my other half,
Incomplete, if not for you.

By Joanna Fuchs
I love you Dustin and if forever it is just you and me that is ok with me because with you and only you I am complete....

In recent years I have kept Christmas decorations up until after the new year but this year they are gone already and I am happy to embrace a New Year! I pray that 2011 is a good one for not only me but for all my friends, family and for anyone who feels like I do and is ready to leave 2010 behind. Although 2010 may not have provided to me exactly what I wanted I am thankful for the wonderful friendships that have bloomed. Friendships that came so unexpectedly during a world wind kind of a time in my life.

So cheers to ringing in a New Year with those we love and to 2011 being good to all of us!

Happy New Year!!!

What if this is it?

I was recently faced with the question of what if this is it? Would I be ok with that. I have been faced with the realization that the past 4 years may have changed me forever. Never to be the same. In the blink of an eye my world has been turned up side down. I look at myself and I do not see me anymore. The truth of the matter is I have to find myself, the strong warrior that my husband reminded me that I am. What if you find yourself fighting a battle you don't think you can win? For the first time I have experienced that. The girl once filled with piss and vinegar has found herself so afraid, fearful and tired.

So today I am realizing that I am ok with it if this is it. I have to be. I have an amazing life, with amazing people right by my side. I am healthy and I should be happy. My colors need to be bright and no longer faded. This does not take away the fact that I yearn for more and that I am willing to do what I need to but in the meantime, I am going to be happy, free of fear, embrace those who love me and care about me. As I get older I realize that I have spent most of my life living in the past or the future. Its time to live in the present, just for today, one step at a time holding on to the dream that may come true one day......

It's not all good....

I am approaching the year mark of when I lost my grammy. Last year's Christmas was so stressful and overwhelming dealing with my Christmas wish not coming true, my grandmother dying and my parents divorce which ended very ugly. Every Christmas seems to be a bit of a bitter sweet for me which started with my ongoing issues with my mother. Most years have been spent with out her which is very sad for me. It is hard not to have you mother even though most of my life I have not and really do not know what it feels like to have a REAL mother daughter relationship. I feel bad although the choice for us to not have a relationship is hers although I am sure she would beg to differ with that statement. I have always seen the holidays as a very painful and stressful situation because it brings to the surface the things that can be shoved under the rug the rest of the year. So with that and last year's events this year once again brings me to the same place of a bitter sweet feeling. I am thankful for the fact that things worked out for my dad but sad that he is alone when all he ever wanted was a family, for us all to be happy and to be loved. He is such a good man and all he tried to do is love my mother. All we all ever tried to do but which never seemed to be good enough. So I feel sad for him this year as I think of him all alone in the house that once was filled with my sister and I and my mom. Even as disfunctional it was at least the house was not empty. I pray for restoration with him, for us and for someone special to come into his life. Someone who can love him and make him smile in a way that as a daughter I can not. It is hard for me not to be able to fix it. Just put the special super glue on it and make the pain go away. It is hard for me to see such a good man so shattered but thankful for how strong he has become and the places it has taken us as daddy and daughter. Walking through his pain's with him, keeping him held up when he needed it the most is a place that I will treasure till the day I die. I am happy to be his daughter and to be able to give back just an ounce of what he has given to me. Part of his GREAT pain has been the loss of his mother, my grammy. Such a painful place this still is. I am starting to realize that I will never get over her or stop missing her. I think about her every day. I think about the mother she was to my dad. The mother that I always longed to have. I think about the woman she was to me. How she always made me feel so safe, comforted and her strength made me feel secure. I think about who she was to our family. The glue in so many ways. She never forgot anyone and loved her family NO MATTER WHAT. She would put a smile on her face even when she was in such pain just so you would feel better. She loved to feed her family and as I sit here just the image of her beautiful face brings tears to my eyes. I hate myself for taking her for granted and letting life stop me from spending time with her like I should have. That she may have questioned my love for her and I am thankful that as she laid dying in her bed that I was able to tell her just how very much I loved her and that I was sorry. And she so gently turned her head and looked at me and said that it was good to know. She smiled at me and took my hand and held it. A moment I will never forget a pain that will never go away and as I held her after she went to heaven, her cold body although I knew she was no longer there I still felt her with me. I never wanted to let her go, I wanted to hold her forever. As I read someone's blog today I was reminded that I am not the only one who finds pain in the holidays, a time that should be happy and jolly can be a place of such pain. Maybe this is why people are not so nice around this time of year. I am reminded that just a kind jester might be in order for those grinches we come across because you never know what someone might be going through. What things are being brought out from under the rug or who they may have lost or may be loosing that year or what things in there life may be falling apart and turning out not how they planned for their life. So go out and smile at someone today. You never know what your kindness may do for a hurting person this holiday season because life is not always good even around the holidays.....

THE HOUR OF ISOLATION

As I read THE HOUR OF ISOLATION today I was given some hope. Hope that God is still with me and hope that he still exists. I will be honest lately I have really questioned. With each passing year of a certain prayer not being answered and lately feeling him less and less present in my life. I have struggled with accepting that God's plan might not be mine and the feelings of guilt for not being ok with that. Does not being ok with the fact that I want my life to be a certain way and I will do what I have to make it be mean I have to walk away from my faith? I recently had coffee with a friend who let me in on a thought of maybe God is not playing games with us. Maybe there is not just one way to go. Maybe it is our choice and he goes with us whichever way we go? So Maybe me saying to God I am not ok with his plan it is not so much me saying I dont want to follow him but rather he is giving me more of a choice in life. Maybe I am the one making this so much more difficult than it has to be? Story of my life, making things more difficult. So as I walk this journey I am thankful, thankful for the discovery through it, of myself and others around me and of God. So whatever you are going through right now. If you feel at the end of your rope, you feel that you can not hold on I urge you to hold on. Hold on to your dreams, hold on to what is on your heart and I hope for you and me that our dreams come true...

There is a reason for every season

When we plant a garden, we begin with a clear idea of what we will plan, how many and how deep the rows, and how we will care for what we have planted. Yet we cannot know whether there will be drought or flood, heat or cold, which seeds will do well, what bugs or diseases will emerge this season, or how the harvest will be. We can work hard to anticipate these things, but some of our efforts will be fruitful and some will not. This is the nature of all life, moved by silent forces larger than we can ever comprehend.

Chapter- Beginner's Mind/ from the book Sabbath by Wayne Muller

As I think about this I realize how easy it is to read and understand this but acting it out and going through the motions of life for me are very hard. As I struggle with a particular thing in my life I am left wondering why can I not be still? Why can I not just let it go? I think if I am honest being still makes me feel helpless. Being helpless is a hard place for me. Being out of control is also a very hard place for me to go and I think for me the stillness makes me feel out of control. I am a problem solver. I have to have an answer. And to some things there is not an answer or a fix to it, it just is. Today I sit here and realize that I don't know what will make this better but that at least the fact that I am aware and can be honest about how I am feeling gives me a sense of understanding of myself and others who I walk through in their ups and downs. That people are not always looking for me to fix them or have an answer but to just be there for them. For me this may allow me to chill out a bit and take the pressure and stress off myself. I realize that the things I am doing to "fix" my current problem may not do anything at all. That what I am doing is just feeding my appetite for control and the need to fix a problem I am not meant to fix. I am to be still and KNOW that God has everything under control and can and will fix all our problems all in perfect timing and while I wait I remember who I am and never allow the problems of life and the pains and suffering that I go through to change that...

Faith is fading

“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see” (Hebrews 11:1).

Another world

Do you ever wonder what it would be like to at night when you close your eyes you could live another life? One where the dreams we entertain in our minds would be true and in our dreams there are no rules, no wrong and right, no regret and nothing but for that night but just being exactly what we want it to be. That our two worlds would never collide and meet each other. Maybe in this world there would be no fear and we could do all the things we are too afraid to do in this life or say all the things we are afraid to say? Or maybe it would be a perfect fairy tale with nothing but happy endings.. What would your dreams look like? If for that moment you did not have to wake up, not just yet....

Happiness.

Happiness is the single commodity not produced by the free-market economy. Worse than that, when we are happy, we don't feel the need to buy anything. The Sabbath, a day of delight, a day to be at peace with all we have, is a radical, dangerous prescription. Because happy people will grind the wheels of progress to a terrible halt;a bloodless revolution, without a single shot being fired...

What if plan B is better than plan A?

So for a long time I have been struggling with being at a place where I never imagined I would be. You know your whole life you imagine how things will be and you have it all planned out and then boom. Life hits and you realize things are not happening as you wanted them to and no matter how you try to control the situation it does not seem to change. Sometimes this lasts a short time or maybe it lasts a while. For me letting it go has been a big challenge and I have realized that I have been holding onto it for far too long. I have yelled at God, let him know just how mad I am and nothing. The feeling like God walked away has been so painful. Why God, Why dont you hear me? I would cry out and I was allowing myself to believe the illusion that God is only there when we can see him. You see he is always there. I have asked for answers and I so loudly today heard him speak to me. So gentle and clear. My plan is better. He allowed with this for my mind to go back to the way I had pictured my life as an adult when I was a child. How it would look and he then allowed my mind to entertain the life I live now. And you know what. The picture he has painted is so much better! I never thought my life would look like it does now. Not in a million years. That a man as wonderful as my husband would love me and want me. The girl from the other side of the tracks who was nothing like him. The train wreck as I like to describe myself. The sassy little blonde who lived to go out dancing which was the only place she ever felt free. I look back over our 15 years together and I am amazed at the wonderful life we have created and how we can so often take those things for granted. You see right now I have to trust that Gods plan is better. That he knows what is best. Even on the days when I am saying well yeah God but my plan looks pretty darn good too. I can only imagine how I drive God crazy and how I hurt him with my words and distrust and I am in aww of the fact that he still loves me anyway. That he always knows my heart. I am thankful for his answer today and for allowing some clarity while I remember that clarity is not really what I need, all I need is faith and to trust in him....

Letting go..

There is something wonderful in letting go. A.W. Tozer called it being released from "the fine threads of the self-sufficiency, self-pity, self- absorption and self -hatred. Letting go means "freedom from the everlasting burden of always having to get our own way. "having to stay in control ,to get it our own way, is indeed an everlasting burden. In recognizing the subtle stranglehold of control, in the release of my sticky fingers from the steering wheel, my heart is ready for the real adventure of life- actively trusting God...

Chapter 5 - Control

Book - Strong women soft hearts. A woman's guide to cultivating a wise heart and a passionate life...

The Y in the road

Sometimes you get to a point with a relationship where there is junk and you may not understand each other. You then find yourself at a Y in the road. Push away and travel down a new road or continue to travel the road together knowing that no matter what you want to find each other together at the end of that road. When you make the turn to go down a road separate from them don't be surprised when you look around and they are gone.

What kind of a friend am I?

So today I sit here and think about events that happened recently with a friend. Boy what a storm but one that I am thankful for. I have realized the kind of friend that I am and the kind of friend I want my friends to be. The way it should be and in all of this I realized what "TRUE" really means and that truth can safe a life. I am a friend who loves you through the good and the bad, even if that bad is really ugly. I have realized places I have been in life prepared me for this ugly. Also the grace I have received that I am thankful for is now grace that I am to show on someone that is so hurting that they hurt someone they do care about. That person was me. Someone who did nothing but love ended up taking the brunt of this friends hurt, anger and rage in life. A place that I think we all have been maybe once in our lives where we feel so broken and confused that life just overwhelms us so much we can't breath. As much as I thought this storm was a bad things I am thankful that it was me. I don't know if I am everyday here for a reason but that day I know I was and I have continued to be by loving a very unlovable person through a difficult time. For now the outcome is good and I do not know the future but for today I know I showed someone the REAL me, the fact that I am a true friend. one who will love you even if you make mistakes, even if you get upset and one who is going to be honest with you for the sake of your future whether you like what I have to say or not. I have realized that selfishly we all tend to focus a lot of the friendships that are easy and fun all the time but does that mean the the ones that are a little harder are not worth it? Or that that person does not really need us? I have realized that sometimes someone who really needs us is being ignored because it is not easy or fun enough and that in my day I want to take more time to reach out to those that I feel may really need me. I am reminded that we all have a purpose and a reason for being here and when you really walk that out life is not always going to be easy fun and happy.

So for today I have purpose and I feel good in knowing that I do not know the future but the pages that God writes are good and that I need to continue to remember that the picture God paints is always bigger than we can see...

Then slowly grows ( come to me) Bethany Joy

I'm a frantic un-satisfied woman
When the day grows long
and I can't seem to settle down
Then slowly grows our little faith
I hang my head on
Everyday my dreams will get bigger
Then I hear there's nothing
I can dream hasn't been dreamt before
So I water my little faith
And hope for the better
I know there's so much more for me
I know there's so much more
So much more than I can see

Chorus:
So won't you come to me
I'll be the first one waiting
I'll be the last to leave
Promise you'll come to me
I'll give you anything
I'll give everything you need
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com

And did I mention that
I'm in lack of a loving hand
And the nights go long
And I can't seem to start again
Then slowly grows our little light
Breaks through my shadow
Breaks through my shadow
I know there's so much more
So much more than I can see

Mary J Blige - Take me as I am

She's been down and out
She's been wrote about
She's been talked about, constantly
She's been up and down
She's been pushed around
But they held her down, NYC
She has no regrets
She accepts the past
All these things they
helped make to make she
She's been lost and found
And she's still around
There's a reason for everything

You know I've been holdin on.
Try to make me weak,
But I still stay strong.
Put my life all up in these songs
Jus so you can feel me.
so you can get the real me

[Chorus:]
So take me as I am,
or have nothing at all.
Just take me as I am,
or have nothing at all.

[Verse 2:]
Now she's older now
Yes, she's wiser now
Can't disguise her now
She don't need
No one tellin her
What to do and say
No one tellin her
Who to be
She's on solid ground
She's been lost and found
Now, she answers to G-O-D
And she's confident
This is not the end
Ask me how I know
Cause she is me.

You know I've been holdin on.
Try to make me weak,
But I still stay strong.
Put my life all up in these songs
Jus so you can feel me.
so you can get the real me

Pink - Nobody Knows

Nobody knows, nobody knows but me
That I sometimes cry, if I could pretend that I'm asleep
When my tears start to fall
I peek out from behind these walls
I think nobody knows, nobody knows, no

Nobody likes, nobody likes to lose their inner voice
The one I used to hear before my life made a choice
But I think nobody knows, no no
Nobody knows, no

Baby, oh the secret's safe with me
There's nowhere else in the world that I could ever be
And baby don't it feel like I'm all alone
Who's gonna be there after the last angel has flown?

And I've lost my way back home
I think nobody knows, no
I said nobody knows
Nobody cares

It's win or lose, not how you play the game
And the road to darkness has a way
Of always knowing my name
But I think nobody knows, no no
Nobody knows, no no no no

Baby, oh the secret's safe with me
There's nowhere else in the world that I could ever be
And baby don't it feel like I'm all alone
Who's gonna be there after the last angel has flown?

And I've lost my way back home
And oh, no no no no
Nobody knows
No no no no no no

Tomorrow I'll be there my friend
I'll wake up and start all over again
When everybody else is gone
No no no

Nobody knows
Nobody knows the rhythm of my heart
The way I do when I'm lying in the dark
And the world is asleep

I think nobody knows
Nobody knows
Nobody knows but me
Me

In the eye of the storm

There is a window in your heart through which you see God. Once upon a time that window was clear. Your view of God was crisp. You could see god as vividly as you could see a gentle valley or hillside.

Then, suddenly, the window cracked. A pebble broke the window. A pebble of pain.

And suddenly God was not so easy to see. The view that had been so crisp had changed.

You were puzzled. God wouldn't allow something like this to happen, would he?

When you can't see him , trust him... Jesus is closer than you've ever dreamed...

~Max Lucado~