What if plan B is better than plan A?

So for a long time I have been struggling with being at a place where I never imagined I would be. You know your whole life you imagine how things will be and you have it all planned out and then boom. Life hits and you realize things are not happening as you wanted them to and no matter how you try to control the situation it does not seem to change. Sometimes this lasts a short time or maybe it lasts a while. For me letting it go has been a big challenge and I have realized that I have been holding onto it for far too long. I have yelled at God, let him know just how mad I am and nothing. The feeling like God walked away has been so painful. Why God, Why dont you hear me? I would cry out and I was allowing myself to believe the illusion that God is only there when we can see him. You see he is always there. I have asked for answers and I so loudly today heard him speak to me. So gentle and clear. My plan is better. He allowed with this for my mind to go back to the way I had pictured my life as an adult when I was a child. How it would look and he then allowed my mind to entertain the life I live now. And you know what. The picture he has painted is so much better! I never thought my life would look like it does now. Not in a million years. That a man as wonderful as my husband would love me and want me. The girl from the other side of the tracks who was nothing like him. The train wreck as I like to describe myself. The sassy little blonde who lived to go out dancing which was the only place she ever felt free. I look back over our 15 years together and I am amazed at the wonderful life we have created and how we can so often take those things for granted. You see right now I have to trust that Gods plan is better. That he knows what is best. Even on the days when I am saying well yeah God but my plan looks pretty darn good too. I can only imagine how I drive God crazy and how I hurt him with my words and distrust and I am in aww of the fact that he still loves me anyway. That he always knows my heart. I am thankful for his answer today and for allowing some clarity while I remember that clarity is not really what I need, all I need is faith and to trust in him....

Letting go..

There is something wonderful in letting go. A.W. Tozer called it being released from "the fine threads of the self-sufficiency, self-pity, self- absorption and self -hatred. Letting go means "freedom from the everlasting burden of always having to get our own way. "having to stay in control ,to get it our own way, is indeed an everlasting burden. In recognizing the subtle stranglehold of control, in the release of my sticky fingers from the steering wheel, my heart is ready for the real adventure of life- actively trusting God...

Chapter 5 - Control

Book - Strong women soft hearts. A woman's guide to cultivating a wise heart and a passionate life...

The Y in the road

Sometimes you get to a point with a relationship where there is junk and you may not understand each other. You then find yourself at a Y in the road. Push away and travel down a new road or continue to travel the road together knowing that no matter what you want to find each other together at the end of that road. When you make the turn to go down a road separate from them don't be surprised when you look around and they are gone.

What kind of a friend am I?

So today I sit here and think about events that happened recently with a friend. Boy what a storm but one that I am thankful for. I have realized the kind of friend that I am and the kind of friend I want my friends to be. The way it should be and in all of this I realized what "TRUE" really means and that truth can safe a life. I am a friend who loves you through the good and the bad, even if that bad is really ugly. I have realized places I have been in life prepared me for this ugly. Also the grace I have received that I am thankful for is now grace that I am to show on someone that is so hurting that they hurt someone they do care about. That person was me. Someone who did nothing but love ended up taking the brunt of this friends hurt, anger and rage in life. A place that I think we all have been maybe once in our lives where we feel so broken and confused that life just overwhelms us so much we can't breath. As much as I thought this storm was a bad things I am thankful that it was me. I don't know if I am everyday here for a reason but that day I know I was and I have continued to be by loving a very unlovable person through a difficult time. For now the outcome is good and I do not know the future but for today I know I showed someone the REAL me, the fact that I am a true friend. one who will love you even if you make mistakes, even if you get upset and one who is going to be honest with you for the sake of your future whether you like what I have to say or not. I have realized that selfishly we all tend to focus a lot of the friendships that are easy and fun all the time but does that mean the the ones that are a little harder are not worth it? Or that that person does not really need us? I have realized that sometimes someone who really needs us is being ignored because it is not easy or fun enough and that in my day I want to take more time to reach out to those that I feel may really need me. I am reminded that we all have a purpose and a reason for being here and when you really walk that out life is not always going to be easy fun and happy.

So for today I have purpose and I feel good in knowing that I do not know the future but the pages that God writes are good and that I need to continue to remember that the picture God paints is always bigger than we can see...

Then slowly grows ( come to me) Bethany Joy

I'm a frantic un-satisfied woman
When the day grows long
and I can't seem to settle down
Then slowly grows our little faith
I hang my head on
Everyday my dreams will get bigger
Then I hear there's nothing
I can dream hasn't been dreamt before
So I water my little faith
And hope for the better
I know there's so much more for me
I know there's so much more
So much more than I can see

Chorus:
So won't you come to me
I'll be the first one waiting
I'll be the last to leave
Promise you'll come to me
I'll give you anything
I'll give everything you need
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com

And did I mention that
I'm in lack of a loving hand
And the nights go long
And I can't seem to start again
Then slowly grows our little light
Breaks through my shadow
Breaks through my shadow
I know there's so much more
So much more than I can see

Mary J Blige - Take me as I am

She's been down and out
She's been wrote about
She's been talked about, constantly
She's been up and down
She's been pushed around
But they held her down, NYC
She has no regrets
She accepts the past
All these things they
helped make to make she
She's been lost and found
And she's still around
There's a reason for everything

You know I've been holdin on.
Try to make me weak,
But I still stay strong.
Put my life all up in these songs
Jus so you can feel me.
so you can get the real me

[Chorus:]
So take me as I am,
or have nothing at all.
Just take me as I am,
or have nothing at all.

[Verse 2:]
Now she's older now
Yes, she's wiser now
Can't disguise her now
She don't need
No one tellin her
What to do and say
No one tellin her
Who to be
She's on solid ground
She's been lost and found
Now, she answers to G-O-D
And she's confident
This is not the end
Ask me how I know
Cause she is me.

You know I've been holdin on.
Try to make me weak,
But I still stay strong.
Put my life all up in these songs
Jus so you can feel me.
so you can get the real me

Pink - Nobody Knows

Nobody knows, nobody knows but me
That I sometimes cry, if I could pretend that I'm asleep
When my tears start to fall
I peek out from behind these walls
I think nobody knows, nobody knows, no

Nobody likes, nobody likes to lose their inner voice
The one I used to hear before my life made a choice
But I think nobody knows, no no
Nobody knows, no

Baby, oh the secret's safe with me
There's nowhere else in the world that I could ever be
And baby don't it feel like I'm all alone
Who's gonna be there after the last angel has flown?

And I've lost my way back home
I think nobody knows, no
I said nobody knows
Nobody cares

It's win or lose, not how you play the game
And the road to darkness has a way
Of always knowing my name
But I think nobody knows, no no
Nobody knows, no no no no

Baby, oh the secret's safe with me
There's nowhere else in the world that I could ever be
And baby don't it feel like I'm all alone
Who's gonna be there after the last angel has flown?

And I've lost my way back home
And oh, no no no no
Nobody knows
No no no no no no

Tomorrow I'll be there my friend
I'll wake up and start all over again
When everybody else is gone
No no no

Nobody knows
Nobody knows the rhythm of my heart
The way I do when I'm lying in the dark
And the world is asleep

I think nobody knows
Nobody knows
Nobody knows but me
Me

In the eye of the storm

There is a window in your heart through which you see God. Once upon a time that window was clear. Your view of God was crisp. You could see god as vividly as you could see a gentle valley or hillside.

Then, suddenly, the window cracked. A pebble broke the window. A pebble of pain.

And suddenly God was not so easy to see. The view that had been so crisp had changed.

You were puzzled. God wouldn't allow something like this to happen, would he?

When you can't see him , trust him... Jesus is closer than you've ever dreamed...

~Max Lucado~

Given up- Linkin Park

Wake in a sweat again
Another day's been laid to waste
In my disgrace

Stuck in my head again
Feels like I'll never leave this place
There's no escape

I'm my own worst enemy


I've given up
I'm sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say

Take this all away
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the heck is wrong
With me


I don't know what to take
Thought I was focused but I'm scared
I'm not prepared

I hyperventilate
Looking for help somehow somewhere
And no one cares

I'm my own worst enemy


I've given up
I'm sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say

Take this all away
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the heck is wrong
With me



Goddddddd!!!!

Put me out of my misery
Put me out of my misery
Put me out of my
Put me out of my fricken misery



I've given up
I'm sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say

Take this all away
I'm suffocating
Tell me what the heck is wrong
With me

I read an article today that spoke very loudly to me. It talked about how people can wear masks and pretend for the sake of looking good. I have always seen this in people and wondered why they would do this? Does this help anyone? As much as I hated seeing it done I took a long hard look at myself and realized I was doing the same thing. It allowed me to put up walls with people without even knowing it. Making everyone think that I am so pulled together when on the inside I was a mess. We do this for many reasons. For me it was that I always felt I had to be perfect in order to be loved. Growing up wanting so badly to be good enough caused me to get obsessive with being perfect on the inside and on the outside. As long as I looked good no one would know. But in life as I really take in the past couple years of my life I am realizing that we need to see people in need but are we ready for that? When people show us the real person we sometimes tend to walk away because we do not know what to do with it. We love. It is that simple. We see their heart. Now this is not always that easy because peoples hearts are not always good and true. That is why we have to believe people when they show us who they are. Know the people that hearts are true and focus on them and stop playing the game of hiding with those who can really love you no matter what. Life is so complex and we will never have it all figured out but knowing that we have good people in our lives to help us through is what we need to hold onto.

This was in the article and I thought it really spoke to how I am feeling....

So here is my reality. I am abnormal. I don't have it together. I am prone to go into hiddenness and shame. But I have Jesus. I have some really good friends who love me in spite of all of the junk that is true about me. And I have never been more alive and free as I live out my journey in grace.

To read this article click here

Until next time...

Jack Johnson

Last weekend Dustin and I went to see Jack Johnson in concert in Columbia MD. We had such a good time. The music was great and we enjoyed a relaxing ride to and from with the top down and wind in our hair. Nothing better than that...

Earn your keep

Dustin and I always joke around about how our animals do not do anything and how nice that must be. How they just make messes and lay around and they are always taken care of - so we joke around and will tell them to go do the laundry ( usually I say this when Dustin is wondering where his underwear is- I will tell him I told Maya to do it) . We will say how nice it would be if they could make money or do stuff around the house to earn their keep. Well with it being hot weather now and having 2 huskies who shed ALOT we have so much fur to keep up with. When I brush them it is amazing how much fur I have to get rid of. The other day while cleaning up all this fur I thought to myself how I wish I could find a use for this stuff since I have so much of it. It seems like if I could find something to do with it it would make it seem like not such a pain to have to clean up and deal with. I always joke too that if only we could trade in dog poop for cash how nice that would be since I always seem to have enough of the poop and some months not so much in the cash department. Is this crazy thinking? Anyway- So to go back to the fur. The other day my sister was over visiting and she noticed how a bird kept sweeping down to where fur had collected right outside our screened in porch and filling his beak with it. He was gathering supplies for his nest! I have to say, this bird is pretty darn smart. Husky fur is so soft and long and fluffy and it would work perfect to make a comfortable bed for their babies to lay in. I thought it was so amazing how this bird knew to do this and found this fur just laying there. So resourceful. I was also happy because it was less fur I had to pick out of my stones. So the husky fur problem is welcomed since it has a purpose- a purpose of allowing the birds the opportunity to be blessed with a fluffy bed of husky hair. So Breck and Aspen- you have earned your keep and I will make sure to leave some fur in my yard for the birds to enjoy. Another one of the "little things" we could miss but thanks to my nature loving sister who has the eyes to see such beauty I saw this beautiful thing that day. Such a blessing in so many ways...

My Husband

I do not know that I can put into words how I feel about my husband. He is the most amazing man. The way he loves me is incredible. He knows me better than I know myself which at times scares the heck out of me. He is my soul mate. He is not a man of many words and with words of affirmation being my love language I at times struggle with this. Although he does not say much in words what he does in his actions makes up for it. After 14 years together I often wonder how does he really feel about me? He never really says and being mushy is not his thing. So after me constantly asking him for that love story on tv kind of moment he played me his ring tone that he added for when I call him. These are the words and can I tell you- it takes my breath away. To think this is the way he feels about me is overwhelming. I do not deserve it and from him this is such an honor. I am honored each day to say I am his wife and to be blessed with sharing my life with him. Here are the lyrics that I thank God for allowing me to hear and for allowing me to be loved the way he would love even though I do not deserve it. God continue to allow me to be the wife this man deserves and one that he can be proud of. If I am not successful in anything else in life besides serving you and being a good wife that is ok with me...
Angel - By Jack Johnson...

I've got an angel
She doesn't wear any wings
She wears a heart that can melt my own
She wears a smile that can make me wanna sing
She gives me presents
With her presence alone
She gives me everything I could wish for
She gives me kisses on the lips just for coming home

She could make angels
I've seen it with my own eyes
You gotta be careful when you've got good love
Cause the angels will just keep on multiplying

But you're so busy changing the world
Just one smile can change all of mine
We share the same soul
Oh oh oh oh oh ohhh
We Share the same soul
Oh oh oh oh oh ohhh
We Share the same soul
Oh oh oh oh oh ohhh
Oh oh oh oh oh ohhh
Umm umm umm uhhhhhhmm

What path are we really on...

Second chance

Love this pastor. His name is Pete Wilson. The Church is Crosspoint Church which is in Nashville so I will be joining them via internet for there second chance series. Below is the trailer for the Second Chance series.

Pete also is the author of a new book that I plan to read soon called Plan B.

A kind heart

The other day while entering Oregon Dairy ( a local grocery store) I had the option of picking a big cart or one of those little carts (which I love!). So I run through in my head what I needed and with it not being a big order I picked the little cart. I don't know what it is about these little carts that I like so much. It just makes my shopping experience better for some reason until I get to the check out counter and realize that I stuffed a big order into that little cart and now I am going to have to pray it all fits in once the items are bagged. I wonder if anyone else does this? Is this just me? The embarrassment does not seem to be enough to stop me from running into this problem quite often. So this particular day I am loading my items onto the belt and trying not to make eye contact with the man bagging as I run in my mind how I am going to bring it up that I realize that this bagging and loading of my cart will be a pain in the butt. So I keep loading the belt with my items, looked over at the older gentleman bagging my groceries and noticed that he had already grabbed a bigger cart for me and was placing my bagged items in it. My relief lasted for a moment when then my mind is fixed on what I am to do with the little cart and what do I say? Is he thinking I am stupid for having such a little cart and why do I care what this man I have never met thinks? Needless to say I am driving myself crazy in my mind but the smile on my face would hopefully mask that to those around me. So the dreaded moment comes as I complete my signature on the receipt and start to move forward towards the bagger. I look at him and he says to me, well I will take this from you, as he puts his hand on my little cart, and you are all set. With a big warm smile of no judgement he says and have a great day ma'am. Ahhhh What a nice man. I so appreciated this man this day. A day when the world had not been so good to me and I was feeling like crawling in a hole. Feeling like I could do nothing right. And then God placed this man there that day to make me feel better. As I walked out of that store that day I felt warm, I felt accepted and I felt God's presence so strong within me. I have to say that I like shopping at the Oregon Dairy because I always get a good experience with the people working there. They are always kinder and they really enjoy helping me with my groceries and I truly think they want to make my shopping experience better. Thank you to this man who did not have to get me a bigger cart and did not have to show me his big heart but chose to that day. Rather than have the attitude of thinking, oh here we go, another idiot with too many items in there small cart- embraced me as a person and showed me kindness for doing a silly thing that I am sure I will do again. God make me more like this man so that I can shine light on others who cross my path as this kind man did for me. That man is not just a bagger- that day he was an angel...

Enjoy the silence...

As I sit here listening to the rain fall and sip on my coffee I am filled with such peace. I think of jesus and the times when he would just go sit in a place of silence. Yesterday was a great day and a reminder to get away from time to time and just go to a place where you can just turn life off, relax and just think. Just be silent. Dustin and I decided to spend the day at the beach yesterday. We rose early in the morning and hit the road with the top down headed to Ocean City Maryland. We had such a fun and relaxing day filled with a Starbucks coffee stop, delicious breakfast outside at the Bayside Skillet, serenity of just me, Dustin and the sound of the crashing waves on the beach, boardwalk fries, Candy Kitchen fudge and dinner by the bay. I have a feeling that yesterday will stay with us for years to come as a day for such peace in each other and with where God has us today and has had us in our journey. Things you could very easily take for granted were embraced to a new level and our souls were filled up. So today every time I look in the mirror and see my red sunburned nose I will laugh as I remember our fun in the sun day at the beach. I look forward to the next fun trip and thank God for all the beautiful things in life that I often don't take the time to really see...

Waiting

I believe in Holy Ghost timing. In God’s own time, all our prayers will be answered—one way or another—but the trouble is, we are afraid to submit our prayers to Holy Ghost scrutiny. Some of our prayers need to be purged because often our faith is misspent on requests that are not mature. We do not know how to pray, “Thy will be done.” We don’t want his will as much as those things permitted by his will.

Abraham exercised his faith to keep reminding himself he was a stranger on this earth. His blessing pact produced only a tent to dwell in, because he put all his faith in that city whose builder and maker is God.

Were some of these faith warriors not living in faith? Did God refuse to answer some of their prayers? After all, not all of them were delivered and not all lived to see answers to their payers. Not all were spared pain, suffering and even death. Some were tortured; others were torn asunder, wandering about destitute, afflicted, and tormented (Hebrews 11:36-38).

Some who had a reputation for having great faith “received not the promise” (Hebrews 11:39). Those who did “obtain promises” used their faith to work righteousness, to gain strength in times of weakness, and to put the enemy to flight.

Don’t worry about whether God is saying “Yes” or “No” to your request. Don’t be downcast when the answer is not in sight and, please, quit concentrating on faith formulas and methods. Just commit every prayer to Jesus and go about your business with confidence. He will not be one moment early or late in answering, and if the answer you seek is not forthcoming, say to your heart, “He is all I need. If I need more, he will not withhold it. He will answer in his time and in his way. And if he does not fulfill my request, he must have a perfect reason for not doing so. No matter what happens, I will always have faith in his faithfulness.”

God forgive us if we are more concerned about getting prayers answered than in learning total submission to Christ himself. We do not learn obedience by the things we obtain but by the things we suffer. Are you willing to learn by suffering a little longer with what appears to be an unanswered prayer? Will you rest in his love while patiently waiting for the promise? -David Wilkerson

Strong woman, soft hearts

I am excited to start reading the next book for our book club! Get to know Paula Rinehart, the author of this book and some background into what made her write this book. Enjoy!

Keep Your List Short,

These words really spoke volumes to me. Are we really acting out what we say? If we do not believe in something then why so often do we continue to be a part of things that we know are not right? Walking in TRUE faith is hard. Here are some words that may help you as they have helped me.

Keep Your List Short,