Almost 6 years ago my life changed. The storm I am currently in started to rage and today it is still windy but I have learned a lot more how to weather that storm. It has come with a lot of tears, anger, friendships, understanding, and the loosing and gaining of my faith in a new way and learning and embracing that I am striving forward but that it is not striving for perfection that is going to get me there. There was a point when I felt I had to be perfect and "get it" as a perfect christian and person in order to be blessed with getting to be a mother. You see 6 years ago we decided we wanted to start a family and that day will mark the day when my life changed forever. I look back and I see pictures of that girl before and I see me now. Seeing that girl used to upset me so much but today I am at peace with "that girl". Because the days of feeling like I was not good enough are over. The feeling of having to learn how to be perfect and not mess up or else I will be punished are thoughts of the past. I have been given truth and the truth is I am already amazing and perfect just the way I am suppose to be. I did not do anything wrong and the fact that these chapters are ones in my life, although ones I would have never written I am thankful for them as I am for the other chapters in my life that I have lived through. You see it is those chapters that allow me to know that I will too get through this chapter because I braved the others. The anger still comes and goes but it is more directed away from God where before if we spoke at all it was not very nice and I mean NOT nice. Today rather than using the choice of bad and hateful words I lean on God more in those painful, scary days when I just need a good cry. The way that I would hug my dogs or cats or even my hubby and just allow the emotions to flow as they need to. Because being a christian does not mean life is always easy, if you are a parent you see this first hand with your kids. Nothing you do can protect them from ever experiencing pain but you are always there for them to curl up with and get in a good cry. Along with the truth of knowing that I do not have to be perfect another truth is that God wants good for you. He does not hold it from you. I can not fully understand why this is my story or your story is what your chapters are revealing to you but that is I guess where our faith comes in. That we believe that it is not for nothing and that something good shall come out of it. I see life different today and I am a different wife. A wife that now feels worthy of her husbands love. No longer that woman who wanted him to leave her behind and go find a woman who could give him children. A woman who no longer thinks that him marrying her was a mistake. I no longer feel ashamed (well ok, I can not say I no longer feel that way but I have come a long way from where I was). I once heard a statement from someone who said they love their husband more today than the day they married him. As a young bride I did not understand this. How is that possible when you already love so much and the norm is the longer you are together the more you would drive each other crazy, or so it would seem right? Well this statement means something to me today. Because I can say that about my husband today as a wife now as we approach our 13th wedding anniversary which will be in October. So in all of this today is one of those days again that will continue to reoccur where I am asking why me? One of those days when I am just so ready for it to be over as I am growing so tired and my fight just keeps getting harder and harder, deeper and deeper. I am starting to realize that maybe we are not meant to show up at heaven totally rested and looking our best. Maybe we are to show up looking like we just had an awesome workout at the gym. You know those workouts where you feel like you wont make it to the car? The really good ones that you did not cheat your way through which are the ones we should be having each time we go to the gym but I will admit does not always happen. Some days saying I was there and actually putting in the hard work are two different things. It is like that statement goes, that if you still look the way you did when you entered the gym something is wrong.. Well same goes with this I think. I think for me I am accepting the fact that maybe we are asked to show up in heaven wiping the sweat off ourselves, out of breath and asking God where the heck is the shower! : ) I think he will find such delight in knowing that we were fighters, giving the life he blessed us with our all! So today I am thinking of you if you are having one of those days were you feel tired, worn out and ready to throw in the towel.. I say never give up! Hold onto that towel and keep on going because I have a feeling you are just about there!!
Much love and ps... you are amazing just the way you are...
Anne
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