This morning I read a chapter in one of the books I am reading. A very good book which is hitting home for me in many ways. This chapter talks about our hiding from our pain, our weaknesses or downfalls. So often we see ourselves and others trying to paint such a colorful picture of our lives in certain areas where we are trying to cover up such pain or feelings of insecurities. We hid from the truth which makes us feel better but we often hurt others and ourselves in the process. It talks about the fact that God already knows who you are so pretending to be something you are not to him is pointless. He is that best friend who you can totally be yourself with and he loves you anyway. You see how often do we find ourselves doing this? For me.. a lot in the past and still some today. Because me being me has cost me.. it cost me popularity and friendships. If I had a dollar for every person who has asked me to be me, open up completely and then tell me they don't know what to do with me I would be a rich woman. I have seen this on the flip side as well in a friendship where you know they are hiding from you. Always pretending that everything is ok, never really being honest with you. At every attempt to reach out you are just that nagging friend who is just reading to much into things. The feelings of insecurities they have or the feelings of fear that your friendship provides to them is just too ugly to tell you about, rather they carry on in a way of hiding and hurting themselves and you in the process. I see this very easy since this person as also been me. Hiding is no stranger to me. I have spent my whole life hiding ugly things and still do it to this day. The thought of "if they knew the truth" haunts me and lets face it some will go because the ugly is too ugly for them but some wont and remember God NEVER WILL. Some will appreciate that you are being honest and it will grow your relationship. Quite honestly more recently the truth is more important to me than ever because it is what will set you free. The truth is I do not need to be perfect, I just need to keep those close to me that allow me to be honest and them honest with me. As I look back at some friendships that have been lost I realize that is all I really ask for... honesty.. pure honesty, not the half way honest while sugar coating parts just to make do. The pure, raw honest truth of your heart, even towards me. Because guess what.. I am different than others. I am me and just like God I do know the truth. I may have figured you out and I am just waiting for you to be honest.. not perfect but honest. Honest in realizing how you really feel deep down inside and how this could be shaping your and my actions. Once I discover the truth, the honest and raw truth in me that sometimes I am so afraid to admit it allows me to see things so much more clear. Helps me to realize why I have done some hurtful things to those I love. The closest friendships that I have are not ones that are perfect, not ones where we always see eye to eye but the ones where we are honest and they take the time to know my heart and see me trying as I do with them. God wants this from us not because he wants to make us feel bad about ourselves but because he loves us. He already knows anyway and all he wants is for us to say who we are, and to be honest and in remembering that we are loved always. Like a most recent conversation I had with a very close friend this weekend. She looked at me and told me what she saw in some of my most recent pain, she knew my heart as if I had just told her everything I had been hiding. I love this friend for her ability to see me this way, for not allowing my paintbrush of pretty colors to jade her view of me trying to hide. I love that she allowed me to be honest with her, tell her where I have fallen short and in some ways that meant hurting her and that her answer was that she will always be there to pick me up. This at other times may have been the very thing that would have made me avoid a person, or even get angry as it may be doing the same to you right now with a certain person who may see you in a form you are trying so very hard to cover up. I can not speak for them but I can speak for me that for me with my friends this is what I can see very often and wanting the truth is not to expose and make for bad feelings but rather to help and love my friends as this friend did for me. There comes the day when you realize you may have lost that person who's eyes see you different and for now that may make you feel better but ask yourself if that is what is best. I pray that if you do not open up to them at least do it with yourself. Allow the truth of how you really feel deep down to set you free remembering that being angry, jealous, or insecure is not wrong it is the actions we take because of those feelings that is wrong. In identifying the feelings we have, it allows us more control in our actions and in hurting others and ourselves less. God already knows these feelings you have and he loves you anyway. All he wants is for you to be honest and sincere in telling him who you are.. the key foundation in any lasting relationship.. So go on try having some extra faith today.. in yourself, in others and in God who thinks you are already amazing just the way you are.
Much love...
Anne
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